Ever Present Past
by LoveandLearn
Summary: Derek and Addison were the perfect couple who married during their final year in college but things didnt go as planned & they split. Over a decade later she unexpectedly shows up in Derek's life & everything about this past suddenly clouds their future
1. Chapter 1

_Derek Shepherd wasn't sure what he was doing when he married Addison Montgomery. She was gorgeous, rich and brilliant. At 21, it was everything he would ask for in a woman. They both soon learned that marriage was harder to maintain than it may have seemed._

_Both of them were in their senior year of college, both with ambitious dreams to strive for. The only problem was that neither one knew what the other one wanted. When time came to apply to graduate school everything started to unravel._

_"We haven't even had a chance to talk about what schools we got into. We have like a week until intent to register forms are due." Addison mentioned as they were walking back to their off campus apartment after class. "I'm leaning toward staying here."_

_"Yale? I don't want to stay here, Addie. I wanna go to Columbia Med. You thought I was considering Yale?"_

_She shrugged her shoulder. "I thought you liked it here, you never mentioned anything else so I thought that meant you'd continue here. That was my plan from the beginning and I thought it was perfect."_

_"No. It's not. I already filed my intent to register with Columbia. You need to come there with me."_

_She shook her head as she unlocked the front door. "No. We can't move to New York right now, at least I can't. I didn't even apply to Columbia. I only applied to Yale and Harvard and I got into both. I'm __sticking to Yale. My dad graduated from here, he teachers here..."_

_"Why can't you move to New York with me?" he asked._

_"Because Yale is in Connecticut! I can't drive from New York to Connecticut everyday! I can't drop out of school over. And I have other reasons..."_

_"Like what? You don't what to go to a school where your family doesn't have connections?" he asked somewhat bitterly._

_"I'm pregnant." she mumbled to correct him. "I'm gonna need help with the baby during school and I can have that if I stay here. Our families are pretty close by if we ever need them. I know my mom isn't exactly warm and nurturing but she said she would help."_

_"You're pregnant?" he asked in shock._

_She nodded her head slowly as she looked into his eyes to try to figure out how he felt about it. "I know we've only been married for 7 months, and it's too soon for a baby but it happened."_

_"File your intent to register with Yale." he said softly._

_"But you already registered yours with Columbia. You can't change it once it's done. There is no going back."_

_"I know. You'll stay here, I'll go there. I'll transfer as soon as I can. We can make it work." he promised and kissed her softly. "Guess we should have thought about this sooner."_

_After graduation Mark and Derek started looking for an apartment in New York. As soon as they found one they slowly started moving in. By mid-August they were settled and by the end of the month they started their first semester of medical school. Meanwhile Addison stayed back in Connecticut in the same apartment she and her husband had rented when they got engaged. She was almost five months pregnant on her first day of med school and everyone automatically assumed she'd be the first to drop out because the pregnancy and the work load would be too much to handle. _

_After her first week of school she locked herself in her apartment and called Derek for comfort. A smile appeared on her face as soon as he answered the phone. "Hey." She greeted him softly. "One week down, a trillion more to go." She said jokingly. "When are you leaving New York? I'm waiting impatiently."_

_He had promised that he would be home for the weekend and that was the only thing she had been looking forward to. "Oh, Addison…I forgot to tell you…I can't come to see you this weekend. I have so much work I need to do. I don't want to fall behind so early." _

_"You're not coming?" she asked while doing the best that she could to hide the disappointment in her voice. "But I have an appointment scheduled with my OB tomorrow morning. We're suppose d to find out the sex of the baby. You're supposed to be with me for that." _

_"I'm sorry, Addie. I wasn't expecting to have this much work for the first week. It's brutal. But I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. You're probably going through the same thing." He replied. "I have ideas for names for both genders." _

_Addison laughed. "I know I said you can name the baby but I have the right to veto anything I don't like." _

_"Okay…" he agreed. "I have to go now but call me after you find out the sex."_

_"Okay." She agreed. "I love you." She added like she always did before they ended a phone call expect the only difference this time was that he hung up without saying it back. _

_The next afternoon Derek and Mark returned to their apartment after they had gone out for lunch. Mark saw a red light blinking on the answering machine and hit the button to hear who it was. Addison's voice filled the silence of the room, "Hi…" she paused. "Sorry, I was expecting you to be home. I wasn't really planning on having this conversation with your answering machine. I just got back from my appointment and I couldn't wait to talk to you, Derek. We're having a girl." She informed with an excited tone in her voice. "Call me when you can." _

_"Congratulations." Mark told his best friend with a slap on the back and a smile on his face. "In a few months you'll have a little girl who'll have you wrap around her tiny finger." _

_Derek nodded absently, trying to digest the news he had just received. _

_"You should call Addison, I'm sure she's waiting to hear from you. She's probably browsing catalogs for clothes already." _

_"I can't, not right now. I need time to think about this." He replied in an obvious panic. _

_"What's there to think about? She's your wife, she's pregnant with your daughter. End of story." _

_"I'm not really sure I was ready to be someone's husband and I'm sure as hell not ready to be someone's father. Do you have any idea how much responsibility that is? I can't handle all of that plus school." Derek rambled. "What the hell did I get myself into, Mark. What do I do now?"_

_"Derek, you promised her you wouldn't leave her alone. You promised you'd figure out a way to make this work. If you don't want to be a husband than you can get divorced but you cannot abandon your child. No matter how involved you are or are not, that child is always going to be yours. You can't run from that." _

_"Yeah, you're right…" Derek agreed although he wasn't sure how convinced he was. "I guess I'm just panicking because all of a sudden it's so real. I'll call Addison later and we'll figure it all out." _

_"You have to figure it out. You're Derek and Addison Shepherd. You guys made me wanna settle down and be in love with one steady woman. You make marriage and love and all of that look so simple."_

_"It's not." Derek mumbled. "It's never as simple as it looks." _

_

* * *

_

**_Four Months Later _**

_"Addison." Bizzy said softly as she entered Addison's hospital room with a smile on her face. "How are you doing?" _

_"I hate this! This is very uncomfortable. I am in pain and I have this stupid catheter because I need to pee every ten seconds and I can't do it like a normal person. It's humiliating!" she complained. _

_"Where is your husband?" Bizzy asked, looking around the room to see nothing that marked his presence. _

_"Derek is going to Columbia now. I tried calling him but I couldn't get through. I kept getting the machine at his apartment. And he isn't answering any of my pages. And Mark never bothers to look at his damn pager. I need Derek here, Bizzy. I need him." _

_"Okay, I'll try to get in touch with him. I'm sure he's in class or something. He knows you were due this week, he'll check his pages as soon as he can." Bizzy attempted to say something that would comfort her laboring daughter when she heard her scream in pain. She waited until Addison stopped groaning to ask, "What happen?" _

_"Contraction." She mumbled painfully. "It hurts, okay? It fucking hurts! And my damn doctor says it's too early for an epidural because I'm barely dilated. I hate this whole experience. I want my husband and I want drugs and I want them both right now!" _

_"Epidural wasn't so widely used when I had you and your brother. I felt everything including an episiotomy from hell. Just consider yourself lucky that you're not having children in the 70s." Bizzy replied with a smirk. "Not to mention that we weren't even allowed to have the child's father in the room with us back then. At least you have the option to have curse at him during it." _

_Addison blankly started at her mother. She felt an kick right in her ribs as the baby moved. "I want something for the pain." She whimpered desperately. _

_Four hours later Bizzy had managed to sneak away from Addison to get way from the yelling and hormonal fits of tears. She went to cafeteria of the hospital to get coffee even though she knew it would taste like mud. She just needed an excuse to escape Addison's room to figure out how to get in touch with Derek and think up a plan just in case she couldn't. _

_"Bizzy!" Susan exclaimed as she rushed toward Bizzy who was holding a cup of coffee while walking back to Addison's room. "I decided to try to call Derek since you haven't been getting through. He actually answered the phone at his apartment. I asked him why the hell he was still in New York when his wife is in New Haven having his child." _

_"When is he leaving to come here?" Bizzy asked. _

_"He's not." Susan mumbled. "He says he's not ready for any of this. He was ignoring all the calls but he got annoyed so he answered to tell us to leave him alone. He wants to enjoy his youth, he can't handle a wife and a child. He doesn't want anything to do with them." _

_"So he's leaving Addison alone to go throught his by herself." Bizzy rephrased somewhat numbly. For the first time in her life she felt a maternal sense of sympathy for her daughter. "How am I supposed to tell her something like that? She loves him, she's waiting for him." _

_"You need to tell her, Bizzy. She can't have false hope." Susan advised. "You need to tell her so she can figure out what she wants to do." _

_"How is she supposed to stay in school and raise this child alone?" Bizzy asked sympathetically. "She's been talking about medical school since she was seven. I don't want her to give up on her dream just because she fell in love with an ass-hole who didn't know what he was getting himself into…She doesn't deserve that. She's already got me for a mother. I've withheld enough love from her for one life time. Her husband was not supposed to do the same thing to her."_

_"Do you want me to tell her? I know you're not very close and a conversation like this may be awkward." _

_Bizzy shook her head. "She's my daughter. I should be the one to tell her." She mumbled nervously before walking into Addison's room. She walked beside the bed and took a seat on a chair placed next to it then released a heavy sigh. _

_With an epidural in effect, Addison turned to look at her mother who was sitting in the chair by her side. She sighed softly before asking, "Did you get in touch with Derek? Where is he?"_

_"I did manage to get a hold of him." Bizzy answered._

_"Great." Addison cut in before she could go on. "Where is he? I need him here with me."_

_Bizzy took in a deep breath and sympathetically looked at her daughter. The two of them had never really been too close. Bizzy didn't approve of many of the choices her daughter had been making it but at that point in time she was willing to overlook it. She knew that Addison needed someone and that she needed to be that someone."There really is no easy way to tell you this, Addison. But; Derek isn't coming."_

_"But I need him here. I need Derek here. He's my husband, I'm about to have his baby. I'm terrified. I need him to hold my hand. I need him here. He's supposed to be here." She rambled nervously, looking at Bizzy with fear and tears shining in her eyes. _

_"I'll hold your hand, okay? You've got nothing to be afraid of, people do this every day. Your brother is out in the hall with Susan. I'm here. Your father will be here soon. We're all here for you. You are not alone."_

_"I want my husband." she whimpered. "When will he be here? Tomorrow? Did he say if he had a name in mind?"_

_"Addison, honey, you don't understand. He's never coming. He told me to tell you that he can't do this. He's not ready." her mother explained softly. "I'm sorry." She added as she grabbed Addison's hand and held onto it carefully so she wouldn't irritate the IV. She'd never provided any comfort for her daughter but there was a first time for everything._

__

_

* * *

_

NEW STORY! :D

This was part one of the prologue. And for those of you who are wondering why Addison couldn't call Derek's cell phone, that's because this is suppose to be in the late nineties when cell phones were just starting to become common. More people had pagers which is why I had everyone trying to page Derek and Mark. I'm a 90s child, I used to think pagers were the coolest thing ever...and now there are cell phones with Internet on them and pagers are extinct...wow, rambling about stupidity.

Review.


	2. Chapter 2

_Bizzy ended up being the one holding Addison's hand through the delivery. She watched her daughter cry hysterically when the baby was removed from her body and taken to be cleaned off and examined. "Honey, the baby is okay. They're just cleaning her off then you can hold her, okay?" Bizzy told her softly. _

_"Her father was supposed to be here to cut the cord and name her…" Addison cried. "But he's not here and I'm all alone…" _

_"You're not alone. You've got a waiting room full of people who love you and all of us are here for you no matter what. I know I haven't always been there for you and neither has your father but we'll do our best for you and your daughter from now on."_

_Addison was just about to reply when a nurse handed over a cleaned baby wrapped in a pink blanket. And for the first time in her life Bizzy was speechless when she saw the newborn cradled in her mother's arms. _

_"Do you have a name for her?" she asked with a small smile. _

_Addison shook her head. "Derek was going to be the one to name her. I didn't put any thought into it because he was supposed to." _

_"What about Alpha?" Bizzy suggested. "I should have named you that…If I had another child that would be the name…and it would work because it's unisex."_

_Addison glared at her mother. "She's not a dog, Bizzy." She replied, obviously shooting down the suggestion. "I thought Archer and Addison are pretentious names but Alpha is as pretentious as it gets. I'll figure out a name eventually." _

_Bizzy carefully lifted the baby from Addison's arms. "I'm gonna take her out to the waiting room and introduce her to everyone." Bizzy told her daughter as she moved toward the door. "You have fun with the afterbirth." She added sarcastically. _

_She walked out into the waiting room with the newborn baby cradled carefully in her arms. Archer jumped up from his seat as soon as he saw his mother approach with the baby. He gazed down at the baby she was holding and smiled, suddenly feeling more love toward another human being than he had ever felt before. He grinned when Bizzy passed the baby into his arms and he held on to her gently, declaring his new purpose in life was to protect his niece from everything. _

_The next time he looked up from the bundle in his arms he noticed a tear gliding down Bizzy's cheek. He had never seen her show much emotion, let alone actual tears of joy. "Are you crying?" he asked in shock, seeing The Captain's attention suddenly turn to his wife. _

_"Bizzy, you okay?" he asked, wrapping an arm around her waist which caused even more intrigue in Archer. He had never seen his parents show affection to one another. He had only witnessed them fighting. _

_"I'm fine." She insisted with a soft sniffle, accepting the tissue at Susan was holding out to her. "I didn't even get this emotional after having my own children. But now my baby just had a baby and I'm a grandmother…without ever having really been a mother and this is just strange." _

_The Captain nodded understandingly, placing a soft kiss on her temple. Archer was proud of himself for not dropping the baby in shock after witnessing that. "Just because you weren't there for them in the past does not mean you can't be there and be a mother to them now. Especially Addison because I'm sure she needs you now more than ever." _

_Archer cleared his throat awkwardly. "I'm going to take the baby to the nursery and show her how gorgeous she is because all the other babies in there look half human-half rat." _

_Half an hour later Archer entered the room with the baby in his arms. He smiled at his exhausted sister before placing the infant in her arms. "The nurses took her to get blood and check how she's doing. It took me a while to convince them to let me bring her to you. Bizzy says you don't have a name yet."_

_"She wanted me to name my innocent daughter Alpha. Alpha, Archer, Alpha…like the first letter of the Greek alphabet."_

_Archer laughed. "I can't say I'm surprised. This is the same woman that decided Adolfo is the perfect middle name for you."_

_Addison looked up from the baby in her arms and raised her brow, looking at her brother oddly. "My middle name is Adrienne."_

_"Thanks to me. I suggested that to the Captain and he talked Bizzy into it. That was the name of the girl I had a crush on the year you were born. She was in my kindergarten class…I was a manwhore from the start but if I wasn't you'd be Addison Adolfo Forbes-Montgomery."_

_"If you're so good and picking names then name her." Addison challenged her brother. "I have the right to veto any name you choose but I need suggestions so shoot."_

_"Lena." Archer said instantly without even needing time to think it over. _

_"Why Lena? Is that your fuck of the week?" Addison asked curiously. _

_Archer shook his head. "I've liked that name for a while. I was hoping to name my daughter that but I'll let you have it if you like it…And don't curse in front of her. Her first word is going to be 'fuck' because of how much you use it." _

_"Middle name?" Addison asked _

_Archer shook his head. "Lena Montgomery. Short and simple. I don't think we want kids with names like ours. It's too snobby. I'm going for humble and sweet…Unless you want to honor Bizzy. Then we can do Lena Alpha Montgomery, or Lena Adolfo Montgomery." _

_Addison scrunched her nose at her brother. "No middle name." she agreed, looking down at the baby in her arms with a big smile. "She looks like Lena. You really are good with this whole naming thing, Archie." _

_Archer smiled back at her. "She is perfect, Addie. She's the most perfect human being I have ever seen." _

_"Thanks for being here for this, Archie. I know you're fourth year and you're crazy busy with all the work but that's for making time to be here for me." _

_"I've always made time for you." He reminded her. "And I'll always make time for you. I'll be there when you need me, Addison, don't you doubt it. I'm only a phone call away. And I'm at the same school as you soon to be ex-husband. I can kill him and make it look like an accident if you want." _

_"It's his loss. I've got this amazingly perfect child and he could have had her too but he chose not to. It's his loss." Addison replied. _

_"You're right." Her brother agreed. "I chose to do my internship and residency at this hospital. It's the Yale university hospital; it's very close to you. I'll be right here if you need me after I graduate."_

_"You wanted Mount Sinai. You got accepted to that program, Archer. That is a legendary hospital."_

_"It's not like this one isn't legendary, Ads. Besides, this could have been a shitty program and I would still have chosen it because it means being closer to you." _

_"I can't let you do that for me. You can't give up Mount Sinai for me." _

_"Addison, if you haven't noticed by now I'd do almost anything for you." Archer assured his younger sister with a firm tone and a gentle smile. "I'll put her down in the basinet; you need to get some sleep before Bizzy's psycho sisters get here to see you. She already called them and bragged for half an hour about how perfect Lena is."_

_"Who would have ever thought Bizzy was capable of being so warm and maternal?" Addison asked her brother rhetorically with a light chuckle. _

_"Looks like this baby is bringing out the best in everyone in this family. We're all suddenly very united…It's weird. When Bizzy walked into the waiting room with Lena I got up and took her and then the Captain hugged Bizzy when he noticed her crying from happiness." He paused and looked into Addison's eyes. "They hugged one another, Addison…hugged. They usually barely look at one another and they tonight there was actual affection and physical contact." _

_"That is pretty weird." _

_

* * *

_Derek looked up from the chart he was working on because an oddly familiar presence was distracting him, his eye briefly caught a red headed woman standing a few feet away from him. She was waiting for a nurse to finish what she was doing, he assumed it was because she had a question. He didn't put much more thought into it, he just went back to reading over the details of the chart so he could decide whether or not his patient was ready to be discharged.

Just as he was about to sign his name to the discharge form, he heard her voice. His brain automatically connected the dots. The Chanel Number Five, the red hair, the all too familiar voice. It wasn't just some woman, it was _her. _"Addison." he said softly as he shut he chart and stared at her in shock.

"Derek." she replied with equal shock apparent in her own features.

* * *

Wanna know how I decided to update? I called my five year old cousin and said "Yes or No?" and she was obviously confused but said said "Yes" anyway which means you get an update. Random right? I know.

Click the button down there and tell me what you thought :)


	3. Chapter 3

Derek stared at her for a few seconds, taking in every aspect of her appearance. "I haven't seen you in years…I haven't even heard from you. What are you doing here?" he finally brought himself to ask her. "Is there something you came to tell me? Do you need money? Do you need help with something?"

"I'm not here for you and I don't need anything." Addison told him, rolling her eyes without intention. He always had a way of making it sound like he was in the center of everything. "I didn't even know you were here. Dr. Webber hired me. I'm the new head of ob/gyn and neonatalology. "

"Oh." Derek said slowly, running his hand through his hair with an awkward expression on his face. "Richard mentioned that those departments needed a new head and he said he was looking into someone who was qualified to run both but I didn't think you were that person."

"Yup. I'm that person. And I'm a temp attending for peds surgery. One of your regulars is out on maternity leave so Richard asked me to cover." Addison told him with a smile. "I guess I'm gonna be pretty busy out here."

Derek nodded absently. "So that means you didn't keep our baby?"

"What?" Addison responded instantly, both her brows coming together as she looked at him curiously. "How did you come to that conclusion from me saying that I'm going to be busy out here."

"I'm just assuming because you obviously graduated med school and you specialized in multiple fields and you've taken on running two departments and as if that's not enough you're covering for someone. People with children don't really have time for all of that. Getting through med school with a kid would be hard enough, let alone everything after it."

"Is that why you left?" Addison questioned in a snarky fashion.

"That was part of it." Derek replied honestly. "I just wasn't ready to make so many sacrifices. I was young and I had so much ambition. I don't think I could manage a child and follow my dreams."

"I did keep my child. I raised her alone...well not alone. My family helped me more than anyone in their right mind would. I did everything I could to be there for her. I gave her everything she wanted, everything she needed. I tried. And I still managed with school and everything that came after it. I still made a name for myself. Do you know how hard it is to be a woman in medicine? No one took me seriously…and my age didn't help. But I'm one the top five neonatal surgeons in the world. I'm the only woman on that list and I'm the only one under 40. I consider that an accomplishment…and I did that with a child."

"That is impressive." Derek admitted. "I'm just saying I don't think I could have been done the same. I would not be able to handle so much stress…"

"That was always one of our biggest problems. You and I were and probably still are opposites. We barely had anything in common. I don't know why I thought our relationship would work out." Addison mumbled. "It was all a very big mistake and our parents warned us and we ignored it."

"Yeah, I guess it was all a mistake." Derek agreed in a low tone.

"But I wouldn't change it."

"You wouldn't?"

"No. Because you gave me a child who changed my life, who gave me a new way at looking at the world and that was the best thing anyone could have ever given me. I wouldn't change our relationship because I got something amazing out of it."

Derek smiled. "You're such a mom. I never pictured you like this."

Addison looked down and nodded her head slowly, letting the topic die down. "I should probably go find Richard. He said he would be waiting for me."

* * *

Mark causally sat at Joe's bar after his shift. He had a glass of scotch in front of him and on place at the vacant spot next to him because he knew Derek would be there any second. By the time his best friend did arrive, Mark was already working on glass number 2.

"You will never believe who I ran into this morning." Derek said as he sat up on the bar stool and took the first sip of his drink.

"Michael Jackson." Mark automatically replied.

"He's dead, Mark." Derek answered.

"Yeah, that's why I'd never believe you if you told me you ran into him." Mark answered with a smirk. "Fine…tell me who you ran into this morning."

"Addison."

"Addison?" Mark questioned.

"Yeah. Addison Montgomery, my ex-wife. The woman who's child I fathered then abandoned. Remember?"

"You're right. I don't believe that you ran into her."

"Well, I did. And eventually so will you because she works at the hospital. She is the new head of ob/gyn and neonatal." Derek informed. "She kept the baby, and she made it through med school obviously… and she accomplished a whole hell of a lot professionally."

"She works with us now?" Mark asked with an annoyed tone, turning to Derek with an eyebrow quirked up. "Are you sure you're okay with that? No old feelings or anything? Although, you shouldn't be allowed to have feelings for her after what you did to her."

"I don't have feelings for her anymore. And I'm not sure if I'm okay with working with her now. I guess I have no choice but to get used to it…It's just going to be awkward. I mean she kept the kid so our kid is gonna be around and I'm not really sure how to act in front of the kid. I mean…I'm her dad but I haven't really been much of a dad."

"Derek, I know I'm your best friend and I know I have been for as long as we can remember and that is why I think I need to be the one to tell you that you are an ass-hole. If you expect to be professional at work, then you need to get the personal out of the way and you need to talk to her about that."

"I can't believe I'm taking advice about how to deal with my ex-wife from you."

* * *

Derek nervously paced back and forth outside Addison's office. He was impatiently waiting for her patient to leave so he could go in there and talk to her. When the door opened he did his best to act casual when a woman emerged with an infant in her arms and a man followed with an empty car seat. He smiled when they both gave him a weird look then rushed into Addison's office and shut the door.

"Those people that just left your office probably think I'm a freak." Derek told Addison as he took a seat on one of the chairs in front of her desk. He looked around her office and noticed that she must have not gotten around to decorating it yet because she had no picture up for him to look at.

"…Well you are actually a little insane." Addison replied while writing down notes in the chart in front of her. "Their baby has pyloric stenosis and someone referred them to me for surgery. They are still trying to come to terms with the fact that their newborn needs surgery, I doubt they were paying too much attention to you. Why were you standing right outside my office anyway?"

"I wanted to talk to you." Derek answered immediately. "How is this gonna work? Are we going to try to be friends? Are we going to try to ignore one another like we have been doing for the past week? Are we going to try to be civil or will it always be this awkward?"

Addison took a deep breath as she shut the chart and looked up into her ex-husband's eyes. "I don't want this to be weird." She assured him.

"Okay, good…that's good." Derek replied, nodding his head in relief. "So how exactly do we make this work? Once people find out we were married, once they found out I left you while you were pregnant, things are going to be weird. People are going to feel sorry for you and they are going to hate me for being such an ass-hole."

"I'm tired of people feeling sorry for me." Addison mumbled. "I moved her so people would stop treating me with such pity. I was tired off all the fake nice-ness and they sympathy."

Derek looked at her strangely, wondering why people would act sympathetic around her but he didn't question it. "It is pretty annoying." He agreed.

"So we don't tell anyone, okay? No one needs to know about our failed attempt at happiness and love. No one needs to know you left me. We act like we were nothing more than just friends in medical school."

"How do we explain the child we share?" Derek asked. "People are going to wonder who the father of your child is and eventually, it will come out."

"Unless they don't know about my child."

"How long can you hide her, Addison?" Derek asked realistically. "One day something will happen, your nanny will cancel on you and you'll bring her to work with you and everyone will see her. Someone will notice a resemblance and the news will spread like wildfire."

"Derek, I assure you that no one will ever have the opportunity to see her." Addison promised him with a very even tone. The thing is that Derek knew Addison and he knew what the variations of her voice meant and this particular sentence was stated with great sorrow.

"What do you mean?"

"She died, Derek." Addison admitted regretfully. "So you don't have to worry about how it will affect your life to have her here."

Derek stared at Addison in silence, giving himself an opportunity to digest what he had just been told. His daughter was gone and he never had the chance to meet her and prove to the world that he could be a decent father if he only had the chance.

* * *

Surprised?  
It's the first time I'm writing a story like this so I'm not sure if people will like it or not. Let me know what you think :) I'm working on writing Chapter 7. The point of the story is Derek and Addison trying to mend their realationship while dealing with the death of their daughter. Hope you guys are interested in that, I don't think I've read a story with that plot so I wanted to make one.


	4. Chapter 4

"I don't understand." Derek finally mumbled after taking a few minutes to process everything he had been told. "How can she be dead? She is too young to be dead."

"Unfortunately, people die at any age. Just because she was a kid did not mean she was immune to death." Addison answered numbly. She had done her best to desensitize herself to the subject but it still hurt more than she made apparent.

"How?" Derek repeated. "Was she sick? Did she suffer? What happen?"

Addison nervously fiddled with the bracelet on her wrist to distract herself from crying as she replied, "I was working on a huge case at work and I couldn't pick her up so my fiancé offered to do it for me. He was supposed to pick her up from school and drop her off at the hospital. But apparently he was drunk and he crashed into a pole. Lena hit her head, she had intracranial bleeding but she seemed fine. She was brought into the ER and she was talking and she just had a few minor scratches and a broken arm. I was relieved at first since she didn't seem to be suffering anything major but I insisted that she be kept overnight for observation. The brain CT showed an intracranial hematoma and as soon as we caught it she was rushed into surgery but she didn't make it out…"

Derek silently listened to the story and at the end he wondered if he would have been able to save her had he been there. "I'm so sorry, Addison. What happen to your fiancé?"

"Who gives a fuck?" she answered bitterly. "He survived, he managed to crawl out of the window and wait for help outside the car. She was trapped inside. He was charged with driving under the influence and involuntary manslaughter."

"I am so sorry, Addison." Derek said softly. He wasn't sure that there was anything else he could say. He was sure there were no words that would be able to make her feel better when it came to this particular subject.

"Don't be. I'm tired of hearing people apologize to me. I'm tired of the pity. It's like 'Yeah, sure Addison Montgomery is a pretentious, neurotic, bitch but it's because her husband left her while she was pregnant and then her fiancé killed her daughter.' And I'm so fucking tired of it." Addison exclaimed.

"Addison, this is a very tough situation. I'm sure the only reason people behaved like that was because they weren't sure how to react of what to say…I'm not even sure I know what to say. I'm still trying to get over the fact that my daughter is dead."

Addison nodded. "Yeah, I'm still trying to get passed that fact too." She admitted. "I know this will make me sound more insane than I already am but sometimes I manage to forget that she's not here anymore. I go home and I expect to see her sitting there in front of the TV. When I couldn't get out of work in time to pick her up from school my brother or one of parents or sometimes Susan went to get her and they'd stop by at the hospital so I could at least have a late lunch with my kid and spend like half an hour with her. So when Lena would me in the Hall she'd start yelling 'Mom' if I didn't hear her she'd switch over to calling out my name until I did notice her. I randomly hear that now, I feel like she calling me and I can hear but I just can't see her and I realize that it makes me sound insane..." she paused needing to blink away the tears building up in her eyes. "Every time I realize my mistake it's like having the news broken to be for the first time all over again."

"You know that I'm around if you ever need to talk to anyone about this." Derek told her softly. "I know I never knew her but I was her father and I have always loved her even if I didn't show it. I'm the only other person who knows how you feel."

"Thank you." She whispered gratefully. She didn't want to tell him that he could never know how she felt because he didn't even know the basics about their daughter. "I just don't want everyone to find out. I'm not ashamed of her or anything like that. I just don't want to endure all that pity."

"I know, I understand. I'll do my best to make sure you don't have to re-live all that drama." He promised with a small smile.

* * *

Richard Webber raised a brow in confusion as he stared at Derek whom he'd known since being his resident as an intern. He was almost sure he knew everything there was to know about Derek. "So let me get this straight. You and Addison Montgomery, my new head of neonatal and ob/gyn, were together in college."

"We were not just together. We were married. We got divorced during the first semester of medical school. She stayed at Yale, I went to Columbia. We separated, I promised it didn't mean the end of our marriage but then I left her."

"And now she hates you and you two are going to argue constantly and patients are going to start complaining." Richard continued for Derek.

Derek shook his head. "She doesn't hate me. She is actually being really nice, she seems to understand that I wasn't ready for the responsibility of being a husband and a father. I don't think there will be much conflict, she seems over everything that happened between us."

"…Father? You're a father? You two have a child? I would think Addison would have mentioned something like that to me."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about." Derek answered. "The day Addison went into labor I was still in New York. I didn't go to be with her. Instead I told her mother's assistant to tell Addison that I want out. I never met my daughter and I just discovered that I'm never going to be able to meet my daughter because she died last year."

"Oh…" Richard breath out sadly. "I'm sorry, Derek."

Derek rolled his eyes, suddenly understanding why hearing the word 'Sorry' bothered Addison so much. "Addison was engaged to some ass-hole who flipped over a car after picking up Lena from school. Addison says she had a broken arm and minor injuries. She says she seemed fine but she insisted that she be kept overnight and when the CT came back she found intercranial bleeding and she died in surgery. If I were there, if I were the one doing the surgery she may have lived."

"Derek, no hospital in their right mind would allow you to operate on your daughter." Richard answered logically. "You couldn't have changed what happen to her. And neither could Addison."

"That ass-hole killed my daughter." Derek exclaimed in anger. "And I'm telling you this because I don't know who else to talk to. Addison doesn't want anyone here to find out so you have to keep it between us but…I don't know what to do. Do I even have a right to be so worked up? I mean, I never knew the kid."

"No, you didn't. But you're her father no matter what. It doesn't matter how well you did or didn't know her. You were young back then and you weren't sure if you were ready and now you know you are and you're upset that you missed your chance. You want to convince yourself that there is something you can do to help your little girl."

"Except there is nothing I can do because she's already gone and I'm too late." Derek added with disappointment.

"You can be there for her mother." Richard suggested. "I don't know Addison as well as I know you but I'm sure losing a child is not easy and I'm sure she'll need someone every once in a while. You need to step up and be there for her because you've never been there for her before."

Derek nodded his head, knowing that Richard was right. For once he had to man-up and put his own feelings aside to take care of the woman who he was responsible for breaking.

* * *

Derek did not see Addison over the course of the next two weeks. He kept his eyes open for her but she was nowhere to be found. He finally caught her sitting at a table during her lunch break with a plastic container that held an untouched chicken Panini with a side salad. He smiled to himself and took the seat across from her without asking. "I see you discovered the awesome café down the street." He said lightheaded, bringing her attention to the identical dish he had gotten for himself. "Best paninis ever. Maybe even better than the one we had from that one place when we were in Italy for our honeymoon."

Addison shook her head in disagreement as she bit into the sandwich. "You will never find anywhere that can make a Panini better than what we had in Italy." She told him surely.

"I've been wanting to talk to you for a week. Where the hell have you been? Getting in touch with Obama is probably easier than getting in touch with you." He said sarcastically.

"It's been a busy week. Consult after consult, back to back surgeries, more paperwork than I knew how to manage. I was either in my office, in an OR or in an exam room. I did not have a single spare second." Addison replied, her exhaustion evident in her voice.

"You should go home and get some sleep."

Addison laughed. "I can't really sleep anymore." She admitted sadly. "There is just so much to do and I never have enough time to do any of it and sleep is the last thing on my mind."

"Addison, you can't go on like that for much longer. You need to pace yourself; you need to rest a little. Give yourself a break."

"I can't. Not this week. This week I need to keep myself busy, I need to think about work so I won't think about how pathetic my life is. Once this week is over I'll think about getting some sleep."

"Why? What's this week?" he wondered curiously.

"Tomorrow marks the first year after the accident. Lena died later that night. And I'm trying not to think about it. I need to keep myself busy so I don't think about it." She mumbled, taking another bite of the Panini so she could stop talking.

"Addison…" Derek said softly, "You can't keep something like that inside. You need to let yourself grieve."

"I don't know what I'm doing, Derek. I feel like nothing in my life makes sense anymore. A year ago I was so unbelievably happy. I was engaged, I had an amazing daughter, my career was on fire and in a matter of 24 hours everything turned upside down. Now I don't know what the hell to do, how do I pick up my life and move on?"

"Are you still in love with the guy you were engaged to?"

Addison scoffed. "He killed my daughter. I actually attacked him, I was just about to get my hands around his neck when my brother pulled me off of him. I do not have feelings for him anymore. I'm glad he's not in my life."

"So you're not mourning the loss of a relationship, you're main problem is the fact that you lost Lena." Derek reworded and saw Addison nod. "And you should not have to go through that alone. Would you want to go back to Connecticut together for a few days? We can go to the cemetery, we can deal with our grief together….And we'll drink until we're numb."

"You and me back in Connecticut together?"

"I know it might seem weird, but she was my daughter. And I have been crazy with grief since you told me, I have been drinking myself into oblivion and crying myself to sleep. I always wanted a chance to make things right with her…and now I don't have that. I don't know how to accept the fact that I'll never be able to hold her." He paused before looking into her eyes and adding, "I need to go to Connecticut with you because I need to feel closer to her."

"Okay." Addison agreed in a whisper.

* * *

Thanks for all the reviews. I'm glad you like the story, I was almost sure people weren't going to like it. Next chapter was one of my favorites to write, it's a little longer then this one and I have a feeling most people will be very moved by it. But since right now it's more important to know your thoughts on this chapter. I didn't want Lena to have died from some terrible illness that made her suffer forever, I wanted her to be bubbly and lively until the end (which you seen in the next chapter) and I didn't want to make her suffer so that's way she died the way she did.

Let's make a deal: You all give me your honest thought in the review and in exchange I'll post the next chapter in three days, four at the most.


	5. Chapter 5

By the next afternoon Derek and Addison found themselves at the cemetery. Derek was the first to break down into tears and Addison had no idea what to say to calm him because there was not much anyone could say to calm her. She found herself unable to look at the tombstone that marked their daughter's grave so she stood back with her arms cross over her chest. She watched Derek who was sitting on grass with his head in his hands as he sobbed.

Addison's mind started to drift off and before she knew it, she had the unfaithful day playing out in her mind. She was reliving the nightmare that had haunted her for 12 months now.

* * *

_Addison's cell phone went off to alert her to a page in the ER. She had to leave right in the middle of surgery to meet her daughter and fiancé in the ER. By the time she got there Lena was already settled in a bed and her fiancé, Robert was by her side. _

_"Mom!" the thirteen year old exclaimed when her mother pulled back the curtain and stepped in. _

_"What happen?" Addison exclaimed, taking in the fact that her daughter's arm was wrapped in a cast and Robert's forehead was bandaged. _

_"We were in a car accident. It's no big deal." Robert told her, doing his best to hide as much of the story as he could so his fiancée would not overreact. _

_"Their car crashed into a pole. Your daughter was stuck inside for about 15 minutes. Mr. Andrews managed to crawl out of the window and wait for help outside." The nurse elaborated, knowing Addison well enough to know that she needed as much detail as possible._

_"You crashed into a pole? Are you blind? How do you not see a pole, they don't pop out of nowhere!" Addison yelled, whacking Robert's arm in frustration. "And you crawled out but left my daughter in there to die? What the fuck, Robert?" she asked, her voice getting louder with every word that she said. _

_"I'm fine, Mom. My arm is broken and I had to have the cut on my cheek stitched up. Other than that, I'm fine. I don't even need to be here. We can go home." Lena tried to convince her mother. _

_"No." Addison replied firmly. "You were trapped in a car that was wrapped around a pole. You are not going anywhere. I plan on ordering every test I know the name of and you are staying in this hospital until every last one of those tests comes back negative for any problems." _

_"You're over reacting, Addie." Robert told her softly. "She was only in the car for 15 minutes before the fire fighters pulled her out._

_"Shut up, if I wanted your opinion I would have asked you for it." She snapped. "She's staying here because I need to be sure she fine." _

_"Dr. Montgomery, I've got Mr. Andrews blood test results." A woman told her while holding out a folder to her. _

_Addison took the results although she wasn't the one who ordered the test, she gave the woman a grateful smile before opening the folder and skimming through the results. Robert saw her jaw drop and automatically started to panic. _

_"What, Addison? Is there something wrong with me?" he asked quickly. _

_"You're blood alcohol level was almost double the legal limit." She informed, her voice still calm partially because she had not yet digested the news. "You were driving under the influence of alcohol, that's why you wrapped you fucking car around a goddamned pole. That's why my daughter is in a hospital bed!" _

_"Addison, no, those results have to be wrong." He replied defensively. "I stopped drinking an hour before I had to go pick her up from school." _

_Addison threw the file at him in a fit of anger. "It take more than an hour for the alcohol to leave your system, it takes up to a whole day for a your liver to detox a large amount of alcohol!" she screamed. "You need to get the fuck out of my face right now because I may stab you with a scalpel if I look at you a little longer." _

_Robert honored her request and quickly left. Addison took a seat on a chair beside her daughter's bed and she exhaled a deep breath. Lena observed her mother's stress and concern and she couldn't hold back a soft laugh. "I'm fine, Mom. I feel fine. Don't worry, okay?" _

_Addison arranged for her daughter to be transferred to a private room on the pediatric floor. As soon as Lena was settled into the room the Captain and a frantic Bizzy showed up. Bizzy demanded to see her granddaughter despite the fact that it was way past visiting hours and the Captain used his ties to the hospital to get them passed security. _

_Bizzy admitted to being a failure as a mother to both Archer and Addison but she did her best to make up for that once Lena was born. She was there when needed and she tried to be as supportive as possible. She still constantly fought with Addison over insignificant things but the point was that she was around and she was trying. "Lena!" Bizzy exclaimed as she rushed into the room. _

_"I'm fine, Bizzy. Mom is just over reacting, I don't really need to be here." _

_"Your mom knows what is best for you, Lena. She wants you to stay here because she wants to make sure you're safe. There is nothing wrong with that." Bizzy told her granddaughter softly. _

_Addison sighed and glanced at her father. "What are you guys doing here? How did you find out?" _

_"Archer called. You know how he found out? The longest relationship he had lasted 5 weeks and that girl happens to be an ER nurse at this hospital. She knew how close the two of you are and called him so he can be here to support you." The Captain answered. "Except that Arch is in Boston for some lecture. He couldn't be here soon enough so he called us, he's on his way though…You should have called us, Addie. She's out granddaughter, we care about her just as much as you do. We had the right to know." _

_"I am fine!" the thirteen year old insisted. "I am telling all of you, there is no point in staying here. There is no point to the 90 tests you ordered, Mom. If something was wrong with me, I would feel it." _

_"Your mom is very respected in the fields she's specialized in and pediatric surgery is one of those fields. I'm sure she's not just pulling things out of her ass by insisting that you get a few tests done to ensure your well-being." _

_Addison raised her brow, staring at her mother with a smirk on her face. "Did you just say 'pulling things out of her ass?' Since when do you say things like that?" she asked her mother while Lena tried to keep herself from laughing. _

_"I think you finally wore off on Bizzy." Lena told her mother with an amused giggle. _

_Bizzy smiled at her granddaughter then turned to her daughter and replied, "Seriously, Addison, you curse like a truck driver. It's impossible to get through a conversation with you and not hear the words fuck, bitch, or shit…And if you're angry enough you just start making up curse words." _

_"I do not!" Addison exclaimed defensively. _

_"Yes, you do." Lena refuted her mother's comment. "Dick-fuck, ass-hat, shit-face, fuck-breath…" she listed off the made-up words as they came to her mind and grinned at her grandfather when he glared at her for taking advantage of an opportunity to say inappropriate words. "You can't get mad at me, I'm the poor unfortunate child who go suck in a car that crashed into a pole. You can't get mad at me." _

_"Wow, I was waiting for when you would start using your injuries for your personal gain." The Captain mumbled with a smile despite the fact that he disapproved. "You make it impossible to be mad at you, kid." _

_Lena gave her family another big smile. "It's a talent." _

_Addison's attention turned from her daughter to her brother who walked with Lena's CT scans in his hand. He posted them up on a light board and waited until Addison and The Captain walked over before he started explaining what he saw. "Have you seen these yet?" he asked his sister who shook her head. He pointed out a spot on the image. "She's got an intracranial hematoma. Her brain is bleeding and the tissue is absorbing the blood and swelling. I know she seems fine, she's talking and joking around and being Lena but that's the thing with intracranial hematomas. Sometimes doctors miss it because symptoms don't show up until the case progresses. So we caught it before she managed to pass out or anything which is good. We need to get her into surgery before it gets any worse."_

_"My daughter seems fine but you're telling me she needs brain surgery." Addison said, looking at her brother with an inclined brow. _

_"You know I'm not a fan of neurosurgery, Ads. I would never professionally suggest it if I didn't find it absolutely necessary." _

_"He's right, honey, she does need the surgery and you know we want the best for Lena. We would never advice you to do something that would do more harm than good. The hematoma looks pretty bad, if you want your daughter to have a chance to make it through this you need to get her into an OR." The Captain continued. _

_Addison nodded her head. "Okay." She whispered hoarsely. _

_"Okay, you try to relax, I'll go talk to the surgeon and book an OR." Archer told his sister reassuringly, leaning in to peck her cheek on his way out. _

_"Is everything okay?" Bizzy asked from the other side of the room where she was with Lena. She sensed her daughter's concern and noticed the worry hidden on The Captain's face. _

_"Everything will be fine." The Captain replied quickly, doing his best to reassure his wife, daughter and granddaughter. _

_An hour later Addison was sitting in the waiting room outside the surgical wing and she was biting her nails nervously. She chose not to say anything when Robert showed up and took the seat across from her. Her only reaction to his presence was to take it out on her nails. _

_Addison was seated between both her parents as if she were a child. The Captain was soothingly rubbing her back as if he was soothing an infant and it seemed fitting because even though she was an adult with her own child she would always be his baby. Bizzy pulled Addison's hand away from her mouth and held onto it tightly. "You just got a manicure, Addie, don't ruin it." She scolded teasingly. _

_Addison rolled her eyes and pulled her hand away from her mother. She took her engagement ring off and threw it at the man sitting across from her. "My daughter's skull was sawed open because of you!" she yelled. _

_"Okay, honey, I know you're mad and you've got every right to be but there are other people in here." The Captain told her softly as he continued to rub her back. _

_"He's right, dear. You can scream and yell as much as you want in the privacy of four walls." Bizzy added. "And you need to get away from here because if we let go of her, she will kill you. She may look delicate and lady-like but she will kill you for this." _

_Before anyone else could say anything Archer emerged through the door in a pair of dark blue scrubs with a surgeon following behind him. Addison quickly stood up and her parents did he same seconds later. She took a breath before looking at the grim look on her brother's face. "Archer…" she whispered _

_A tear slipped from Archer's eyes as he stood there speechlessly. The surgeon on the case stepped in, "The location of the hematoma was too difficult to reach, she had been bleeding for too long and her blood pressure dropped not too long into the procedure. We did everything we could, Dr. Montgomery but…" _

_A sob escaped Addison's throat before she felt her legs give out. She heard her mother yell her name and she realized her father caught her before she could hit the ground. She felt her father's arms around her and knew he was the one holding her up. He eased her down on a chair and quickly wiped away the tears on her cheeks. Bizzy took a seat beside Addison and wrapped her arms around her to provide comfort although she was sure nothing would help. _

_"It'll be okay, honey, we're here for you. You know that, we'll always be here for you." She whispered softly into Addison's ear. _

_As soon as the strange doctor was gone Addison found herself glaring at her former fiancé. The next thing she knew she had him pressed up against a wall with her hands around his neck while he struggled to breathe. She felt Archer's arms wrap around her waist to lift her away and she broke down in his arms and sobbed into his shoulder. _

_"My daughter is dead." She cried. _

_"I'm sorry, kid." Archer replied softly with tears in his own eyes. "The Captain is talking to the police and he's already got his lawyers working against Robert. He'll be back soon and I'll have him drive you home. He seems to be holding up better than everyone else so it's probably best to let him drive." _

_"She's not going home." Bizzy spoke up, "And neither are you. Both of you are emotionally unstable, you should both come spend the night at the estate. At least we'll all be together, we'll be there for one another. I don't want either of you to be alone tonight. I was never really a part of your lives when you were kids but now…I just need my kids near me tonight. I need to know you're okay and if you're not I want to be there to help." _

_"I want to be alone." Addison countered adamantly. "I'll take a cab home, I'll be fine."_

_"No way." The Captain deemed as soon as he stepped back into the room and heard his daughter's words. "I refuse to let you be alone tonight. This is going to be hell on all of us. Her birth is the reason we all become so close and she wouldn't want any of us to be alone tonight. She loved how united we were as a family. We are all going to be together tonight and we're gonna help pull each other through this. No one is going to leave you alone, Addison." _

And they meant it. No one would leave her alone so she ran away to the other side of the country to get some space but with her luck she ended up right in the arms of her daughter's father who turned out to be more emotional about the whole ordeal than she would have thought.

"You okay, Addie?" Derek asked after pulling himself together. He had his hand on the small of her back and the fact that she seemed so zoned out was concerning him. "Addison." He tried again, waving his hand in front of her face. "You okay?"

She snapped out of her trance and did her best to pretend everything was fine. "I'm sorry, this place just creeps me out. Can we please leave?" she asked her former husband with a sound of desperation in her voice. Derek nodded and escorted her back to the car.

"Ready to drink ourselves to the point of numbness?" Derek asked once they were both in the car.

"Yes." Addison answered instantly. "I need to get back to the hotel and get in bed with a bottle of red wine…I plan on drinking it straight from the bottle. The glass is just a waste of time."

* * *

I said three to four days and I actually delivered in four days. I think I deserve a reward, don't you? Continuing to shower me in honest reviews would be nice. I love knowing what you like and don't, who you love and who you hate in the story, what you think needs to improve. Easier way to say that is: All feedback is appreciated. :)


	6. Chapter 6

Derek nervously followed Addison through the Montgomery mansion. They had been invited for drinks and they were over half an hour late, partially because Derek had spent all night drinking, all morning vomiting and all afternoon sleeping. A butler led them into the semi-formally decorated area with a fully stocked bar and a bartender present to cater any requests.

Addison took a seat on a custom made crème suede couch and Derek followed her lead and took a seat beside her. She cleared her throat, looking into her father's eyes then her brothers. "Sorry we're late. I took my time getting ready." She lied.

"Well…" Archer started, glaring at Derek. "If it isn't the ass-hole that screwed my sister…in more ways than one."

"Archer." Addison groaned, looking down at the glass of wine the butler had handed her.

"Seriously, Archer, let's not bring up unnecessary visuals." The Captain added, feeling the need to take a long sip from his vodka tonic.

Bizzy nodded from her stop on an arm chair. She glared at Archer before looking over at Derek. "Addison told me she had someone coming with her, she failed to mention that you were that someone. I didn't know the two of you were in contact."

"Derek is actually running the neurosurgery department at the hospital I'm working at now." Addison informed her family. "We were actually pretty surprised to see one another on my first day but we've agreed to put everything behind us and try to be friends."

"But you started working there less than a month ago. As far as I'm concerned, friends of a month don't travel across the country together." Archer interjection. He wasn't trying to be an ass, he was just looking out for his younger sister. Derek had hurt her once and Archer wasn't about to trust him and let him hurt her again.

"It was the anniversary of our daughter's death." Addison answered her brother firmly. "We came here to get some form of closure, to help us deal with the grief."

"What grief, Addison? He can't grieve over someone he didn't know!" Archer raised his voice, ignoring his parents telling him to calm down.

"She was my daughter too, Archer. And I didn't have a chance to know her, I've been wanting to meet her for years now. I regretted leaving my child the way I did, I wanted a chance. I was just afraid of asking for it so I never contacted Addison, she had every right to reject my request. I didn't want to be rejected. But she showed up and I thought that was my chance. Then I found out I lost my chance and I felt like my whole life changed." Derek told Archer in defense for himself. "I lost my little girl, I lost her before I got to know her. I needed to come here with Addison and feel some connection to my daughter."

Archer rolled his eyes and emptied his glass of scotch. "I will kill you this time." He warned as he set down the glass. "You may be just a friend this time around but if you even glace at her the wrong way, if she sheds one more goddamned tear because of you I will personally kill you."

"Okay, Archer, maybe you've had too many of these." The Captain said as he signaled the butler to take away the scotch glass from his son. "You're drunk. Either you stop being an ass-hole and spend time with your sister, who you haven't seen in weeks which is longer than you too have gone recently, or you can go back to your condo and pick a name from your little black book."

"He's just wants to protect Addison, Captain. I understand that." Derek answered. "I'm glad he's looking out for her because she's obviously had too many ass-holes like me in her life."

Derek's comment was followed by an awkward silence during which everyone stared down at the cups in their hands. Addison had hoped the night would go better but she knew it was too much to expect. Her family had been the one to put her back together after Derek broke her and expecting them to be civil with him may have been unrealistic.

"Lena looked a lot like you." Bizzy mumbled as she glanced at Derek momentarily. "Your hair, your smile…"

"I didn't know that." Derek whispered with a small smile at the thought of his daughter, the image he had in his head. "I've never seen any pictures of her or anything so I'm not exactly sure what she looked like. I just have this image in my head. Half me, half Addison."

"It's more like 75 percent Addison and 25 percent you." Bizzy replied. "She was like Addison's mini-me. It was like they could have been fraternal twins born 21 years apart. I've got a book shelf full of albums of her. You can go up to her room and look through them if you'd like."

Derek glanced at Addison skeptically. "You don't need my permission, Derek." Addison whispered. "You can go if you want. In fact, I'll take you up there myself if you want to."

Derek nodded but didn't move until Addison stood to excuse them for a while. He followed her through the house and up the grand stair case, they continued down a dark hall in the wing of the house with her old room, Archer's old room and Lena's room. Her hand froze on the door knob and she stood there for a few seconds before opening the door.

"This is…was her room." Addison said softly as she reached to turn on the light.

"Why does she have a room here? Did you move back in with your parents so they could help you?" Derek asked.

"I moved back in here when she was born, my dad personally painted this room as a nursery. We lived here while I was in medical school. I needed a lot of help and that was most convenient. My parents actually got me a house not too far from here as a graduation present because they knew I wanted to move out. But they redecorated her room and she would stay here while I was on-call."

Derek walked toward the book shelf and stared at the rows of albums. "This is a lot of pictures."

"After she was born my dad's new hobby became photography. She's got everything immortalized in pictures." Addison replied with a small smile. She would nag her dad about following the child around with a camera but now she was glad he did because it was all she left. She could look through the photos when she was ready and it would allow her to relive their best days.

"Are they in order?" Derek asked and saw Addison nod from the corner of his eye. "I wanna start from the beginning." He declared and reached for the first album. He took a seat on the bed and opened the cover to see the first photograph, it was Addison in a hospital bed with their newborn daughter cradled in her arms. She was looking down at the baby, obviously memorized by her. She seemed unaware of the fact that the picture was being taken. Derek couldn't help but imagine himself in the picture, standing by the bed staring at their daughter with the same awe that Addison had been.

"I love this picture." He murmured to her. "It's so genuine." He added as he turned the page to see a few more pictures of his daughter's first day of life.

Three hours later they were still in the room halfway through the collection of albums. They were seated on the group against the wall with an empty bottle of wine rolled against the dresser. Derek continued to look through the albums trying to familiarize himself with his daughter's short life. There was a comfortable silence between them as they prideful experienced their daughter's life, and it was the first time they'd experienced it together.

Both Addison and Derek looked up when the door opened. Bizzy stood in the doorway with her hand on her hip as she looked down at them. "I thought you two snuck out of a window or something. You've been up here for hours. I can't believe you're still looking through those albums."

"Well there are like 20 of them." Derek replied defensively. "We are on number 12 I think."

"11." Addison corrected. "Will you do me a favor, Mommy? Can you bring us another bottle of wine?" she asked, tilting her head upward to look at her mother.

"Mommy?" Bizzy repeated. "Are you drunk?" she asked with a firm authoritative voice.

"Not drunk enough." Addison replied. "I'm a WASP. I have a very high alcohol tolerance. I need another bottle to get the job done."

Bizzy shook her head in disapproval as she stepped back toward the door. "I'll have Francis bring up a bottle." She replied. She suddenly turned back and looked at Derek. "Don't let her drink herself into a sleep coma. I don't want vomit on my floors." She told him.

Derek, slightly buzzed himself, nodded. "I'll take care of her." He assured.

Another two hours and one more bottle of wine later Addison was cuddled up against Derek's side while looking through the 19th album of the night. He turned his head to look at her and she smiled, bringing her lips closer to his in a drunken effort to find comfort and affection. Derek didn't pass up the opportunity to kiss her, he would be stupid to pass up the chance given that he had secretly been wanting to do it since she first showed up.

The next thing he knew she was pulling him on top of herself, pulling him down to keep him as close to her as possible. Her lips were still intertwined with his, her hands wrapped around his neck. She pulled out of the kiss for a breath but when she moved in to continue he pulled away. The motion, the rejection caught her off guard.

"Addison, you have had a little too much to drink. I want this, I want you, I love you, I care about you which is why I refuse to take advantage of you while you're drunk." He told her softly, not wanting to hurt her in any way.

"Derek, you're an ass-hole. You are usually very selfish and right now I need you to be a selfish ass-hole who wants nothing but sex. Now is not the time to be a gentleman and care about how I'm going to feel about this later." Addison answered. "Okay?"

Derek drew in a deep breath ; he didn't want to tell her that this would be more than just sex for him. He did want to be intimate with her but not to say that he had screwed her again but to say that he made love to her. He wasn't sure exactly when the feelings resurfaced but he was sure that he didn't want to hurt her again. He slowly moved his hands toward the hem of her shirt to pull it off. His lips caught her again before moving down to plant a trail of tender kissed down her neck, continuing until half way between her clavicle and breast. He stopped and looked up into her eyes. "Are you sure?" he asked again.

"Yes, Derek, just do it!" she exclaimed impatiently.

Addison woke up the next morning to find herself on the ground with her head on Derek's chest. Her head was throbbing in pain, and she quickly decided it was the worst hangover she'd ever had. She sat up and noticed that the blanket from Lena's old bed was covering them. She hoped Derek had been the one to cover them because just the thought that someone could have walked in and seen them naked was enough increase the blinding pain in her head.

"Well…looks who's up." Susan said with a smirk when Addison walked into the kitchen where she knew her family would be. "Sleep well?"

"I uh…what?" she answered, trying to cover up the situation as best she could. She looked over at Bizzy who was seated at the table while a maid served her coffee and she did her best to hide the guilty expression.

Bizzy glanced at Susan then looked back at Addison with a small smile. "Nothing..." she answered, her voice lingered as she stared her daughter in the eyes.

Addison fell back onto a chair the butler had pulled out for her and she released a heavy sigh before burying her head in her hands.

"Would you like asprin, Ms. Montgomery?" the maid asked her. She had been working for the family for almost two decades and Addison had told her countless times that she preferred being called by her first name rather than something formal but the message never got through.

"Yes, Francis, get her asprin and Perrier or Pellegrino, whatever is in stock." Susan replied to the maid who instantly went to do as she was told.

"Does everyone in this house know what I did last night?" Addison mumbled in mortification.

"Well you were pretty loud, I'm sure most people in the house…or on the estate heard you." Bizzy replied with a small smirk when she lifted her eyes off the Events section of the morning paper to look at her daughter.

Susan chuckled lightly before adding, "Just be glad your father is a heavy sleeper of else he may have come in there and put an end to it."

"And you sounded like you were having way too much fun to be interrupted." Bizzy finished for her. "Is Derek still asleep?" She paused, the smile on her face getting wider before she answered her own question. "But then again that's not surprising, I'm sure he needs his rest after all his hard work last night."

"Oh god…" Addison moaned, surpressing the urge to gag at the thought that she was having this conversation with her mother. She put her down on the table and groaned dramatically.

"Please, Addison, we don't need a reenactment. I think the audio is burned into all of our minds." Susan mumbled jokingly causing the maid to laugh as she place a bottle of bills and a glass of sparkling water in front of Addison.

"Can we please stop talking about it?" Addison mumbled as she forced herself to swallow the pills. "I was drunk and it was an impulsive, stupid thing to do and I don't want to talk about it anymore. Okay?"

"Relax, Addie. We're just joking around. There hasn't been laughter in this house for a year now." Bizzy told her daughter softly. "It's okay to smile and laugh once in a while, Addison. Life goes on, you need to move on. I understand that Lena was the source of all your happiness, she was everything to you. She was everything to us too, you know we loved her just as much as you did. If you're happy with Derek, if you feel like this is your second chance at happiness then don't throw it away, Addison."

Addison glared at her mother and rolled her eyes. Though she did agree that things were either going to take a change for the better or the worst.

* * *

Can you guess what's going to happen?  
Review and include your predictions.


	7. Chapter 7

Ever since they had returned from Connecticut Addison had been avoiding Derek. They had been back home for a week and there had been barely any interaction between the former spouses. Derek did his part in trying to get her attention. He called but she never answered, he text her but she never replied, he would try to catch her while she was walking but she's tell him she was busy and rush away. He was concerned about, he knew she had no one in Seattle and he wanted to be her someone.

So Derek went to the hotel he remember Addison had mentioned she was staying at. He approached the check-in desk hoping that she had not checked out and moved to some unknown location. After finding out her room number he went up to the 22nd floor and knocked on the door. He waited for a minute then knocked again and just as he was about to turn around and leave the door opened.

"Derek." Addison said in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"I don't know." Derek murmured. "Were you busy with something? Am I bothering you?" he asked nervously because he wasn't sure if she wanted to see him or if she wanted him gone.

"I was actually in bed reading the new issue to one of my journals. I was so into one of the articles that I wasn't sure if someone was actually at the door. I wasn't expecting anyone so I was sure that I was hearing things or something."

"I um…came to make sure you're doing alright." Derek said. "You've been avoiding me since we got back from Connecticut, you don't look at me when we see each other at work, you ignore my calls and texts…Are you okay? Are you mad at me?"

Addison held the door open wider and let him into the room. She closed the door behind him and placed her hands on her hips. "Why is it that everything needs to be about you all the time?" she asked with an annoyed tone. "I'm not mad at you, did you ever consider that maybe I just wanted time to myself. Maybe I don't need my ex-husband constantly in my face."

Derek shrugged. "If you wanted me to back off and give you space then you should have just told me." He replied. "I thought that trip brought us closer together, I thought we would be there to help one another through this. I wasn't expecting for the awkwardness to kick in and drive us apart."

"Derek, I have tried to contain myself, I have. I have been patient with you and your feelings toward Lena but I can't anymore."

"What are you talking about?"

"You don't know how I feel. You may think you do, I have been pretending that you do but you don't. You will never know how I feel, you cannot understand how much it hurts me to know she's gone. You say you're the only other person that understands because you were her father but that doesn't mean anything! Archer was more of a father to her then you ever were and he doesn't even know how I feel!"

"What are you talking about?" Derek repeated, not knowing whether to be hurt or confused by her rant.

"I carried that child inside of me, I gave birth to her. That gives me a connection to her that no one else on this planet had, that means no one else will ever know what I feel. And you of all people will never come close because you never even held her, you never met her, you never looked into her eyes and felt the unconditional love she had to offer. So fuck off and stop pretending that you know what all losing all of that feels like!"

"Fine, Addison, I'll leave you alone. I should have known that this whole being civil thing was too good to be true. I knew it was going to be awkward." Derek answered somewhat bitterly.

"I think it would be for the best if we stopped trying to be friends. We obviously have too much baggage to just be friends. Maybe we should try to keep our relationship strictly professional."

"If that's what you need to be happy then I can respect that."

"Thank you." Addison mumbled in a low tone suddenly realizing how quickly things had managed to be so awkward between them.

"I should probably go in that case…a co-worker wouldn't stand in a colleague's hotel room while she was wearing nothing by a slightly oversized t-shirt. It's not professional." He said, his voice mocking her just a little. "I will see you at work, Dr. Montgomery."

Addison nodded awkwardly watching as he walked out the door and shut it carefully behind himself.

* * *

Another few weeks went by and the interaction between the former pair had been strictly professional and kept to a minimum level. Addison spent most of her time in the NICU or the OR and Derek was either with a patient or cramped up in his office. They rarely bumped into one another in the halls and when they did they acted as if they hadn't noticed the other one.

Addison had been feeling terrible in the weeks following her return to Seattle. She had been feeling light headed and dizzy but refused to give it too much thought. As days went on she developed the worst case of nausea she had ever had in her life and credited that with the fact that she barely ate and all she had in her stomach at most times was coffee. She failed to notice that she skipped her period that month. The next month she noticed she was late and realized that she couldn't even remember when she last had her cycle. She refused to think anything of that too, hoping all her symptoms were because of the stress of being alone in a strange city.

Things got worse when her nausea flared up during a 15 hour, highly publicized surgery. She barely managed to step away from the open bodies of conjoined twins just in time to pull off her mask and vomit right there on the floor of the OR. Richard, who had been one of the consulting surgeons on the case, was furious. Had she been a few seconds too late to step away she would have thrown up on the patients and caused a major law suit for the hospital. He locked her in an exam room with an intern after the surgery and refused to let her out until the cause of all her symptoms was discovered.

"We don't really have to do this, Dr. O'Malley." Addison told him with a charming smile as she leaned against the examination table with her arms crossed over her chest. "You can tell Richard that there was no conclusive diagnosis and tell him that I've been very stressed lately. Easy for you, easy for me."

"He told me he wants to see your chart when I'm done." George replied awkwardly.

"So write what I told you in the chart, we'll wait in her for an hour and get on with our lives."

"He wants to see labs, and any other tests I deem necessary." George answered. "How about I just get a blood sample and if that doesn't show anything then we'll show him that and tell him whatever you want to tell him."

Addison had no choice but to agree. She let him draw blood and rush it to the lab while she waited patiently in the exam room. He came back an hour and a half later to find that she had fallen asleep on the uncomfortable looking table and nervously nudged her arm to wake her. "Dr. Montgomery, I got your test results back."

"Great, go give them to Richard so I can get out of here and go back to work." She replied as she sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

"I think you may want to take a look at them before he sees them." He mumbled shyly as he held the file out to her.

Addison rolled her eyes and grabbed the file to check through it. She scanned through the test results, most of it seemingly normal in her eye until she caught one abnormal number. It was the one diagnosis she did not expect. Her hCG level was high which meant she was pregnant. Yet again she found herself alone carrying another child of Derek's.

"Are you sure this isn't someone else's test results? Because this is not possible. I am a gynecologist. I would know if I am pregnant. I would know within the first four weeks."

"I had the lab run it twice, that's why it took me a little longer than usual." He replied, the awkward tone of his voice still present. "Congratulations." He added.

"I uh…" Addison started but found herself at a loss of words. "Thanks." She whispered thought she didn't sound like she was too thrilled.

"Dr. Webber is waiting for these results too. You want me to call him in here or you want to go tell him? Or I can tell him if you want."

"I don't want to tell him. I want to go home, I need to go home. Will you please let him know that I'm leaving and that I may not come in tomorrow?"

George nodded and watched as she walked out of the room before he went to go find the chief to tell him the good (or bad) news.

* * *

Bizzy hadn't spoken to her daughter in the two months since Addison left Connecticut. Usually they spoke once or twice a week but in the recent months Addison had been avoiding all phone calls from her family and she hadn't been responding to messages.

When she saw her mother's name on the screen she immediately picked up and the first thing she said was, "You suck at giving advice."

"Well, hello, dear. It's nice to hear from you, too. And I'm fine, thanks for asking." Bizzy replied sarcastically. "Why do I 'suck', as you so formally put it, at giving advice? What happen?"

"You told me that it's okay to have fun. You told me that sleeping Derek that night wasn't a big deal and that it's okay to cut loose. Well you were wrong because now I'm pregnant."

"You're pregnant?" Bizzy asked in a pleasant shock. "Wow, that man has got some talent. You were with Robert for four years and not once did you even think you need a pregnancy test. All Derek has to do is sit next to you and a month later you've got your head hovering over a toilet."

"I will hang up if you say his name again." Addison warned. "I am bitchy and hormonal, I snap very easily."

"Have you told Derek?" Bizzy asked softly.

The question was met with a long silence. "No." Addison finally whispered. "We are not really talking anymore."

"What do you plan on doing then? You should not have to do this alone again, Addison. Will you at least consider moving back here so we can help you? Or maybe I can move out there for a year or two to help."

"I don't know if I need help because I'm not sure if I'm going to keep the baby." Addison admitted without any sign of emotion in her voice.

"You can't get an abortion, Addison. This is your second chance. Don't throw that away."

"I don't want a replacement!" Addison yelled. "I want my daughter back, I do not want a replacement! I want Lena, not a second baby to fill the void she left. I am not ready for another child!"

"Honey, this baby will not be a replacement. I know it's hard to see otherwise for you right now but it will not replace Lena. No one can ever replace Lena. This baby will be a whole new person, possibly very different from Lena but it doesn't mean you won't love him or her exactly the same way." Bizzy explained.

"See…this is what I was talking about when I said you don't know how I feel." Addison replied. "You don't understand, Bizzy."

"I do understand, Addison! I understand it perfectly. You are hurting; her death left you wounded. But all wounds heal and some leave scars. Your problem is that you won't let yourself heal. You refuse to let yourself be happy. This baby will love you, he or she will put a smile on your face, you will feel the same sense of love when she hold your child. All you have to do is let yourself enjoy the moment instead of dwelling on what you had in the past."

* * *

Some people guessed right :o! Addison is pregnant with Derek's baby...again. Let's just hope it works out better this time around. Right? Wrong? There are gonna be some intersting bumps along the way to happily ever after.

Tell me what you think! Surprised? Annoyed with another story with pregnant Addison?


	8. Chapter 8

Addison nervously stepped out of her office to go find Derek. He turned out to be standing just down the hall at the nurse's station where he was looking through the shelf of filed charts to find one that belongs to a patient he had operated on earlier in the week. Addison approached him, doing her best to act normal in front of the rest of the staff.

"Dr. Shepherd." She started off coolly.

He turned to look at her. "Did you need a consult, Dr. Montgomery?" he asked casually and saw her shake her head. He raised a brow, wondering why she was speaking to him if it wasn't about a patient. "So what did you need?"

"I need to talk to you about a situation." She said very vaguely. "Can we go somewhere a little more private?"

Derek nodded and led her to his office. He closed the door behind her. "What did you need to talk about?"

"Actually..." she paused and looked at him. "You might want to take a seat."

Derek looked at her curiously and took a seat behind his desk. He turned his undivided attention to her and said, "Ready."

"I found out I'm pregnant two weeks ago." She blurted out unexpectedly and then clamped her hands over her mouth. "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to just throw that out there."

Derek's facial expression didn't change. He continued looking at her in the eyes and drew in a small breath before saying, "Congratulations, Dr. Montgomery." He tried to appear to be happy for her but all he could think about was the jealously growing inside. Some lucky ass-hole screwed the love of his life and impregnated her and he made love to her and ended up getting shut out of his life. Or at least that's what he thought.

Addison's eyes instantly dimmed, having not expected such a cold, impersonal response. "No, I don't think you understand. You are the only person I have slept with in the last 15 months. I'm about a ten weeks along. I'm not sure, I haven't found a doctor yet to know for sure. I'm just assuming because we spent that one night together ten weeks ago and I haven't been with anyone since."

"You're pregnant with my child?" he asked her slowly, needing the information to be verified because he could allow himself to celebrate the news.

"I am and it's okay if you don't know what to feel, I don't even know how I feel. But I just thought you should know." He told her. "And you don't have to feel obligated to me or this baby. You don't have to be involved if you don't want to be. I can figure out how to manage myself, I've done it before…while I was in med school so this shouldn't be too bad compared to that. Especially considering that I have a lot of experience with babies compared to what I had back then. If you don't want a child, then the baby won't even know you're its father…" she stopped talking and looked at him. "I'm rambling. I'm sorry. I do that when I'm nervous. I should probably leave you alone to think this through."

"Addison…" Derek stopped her just as she was about to step out of the door. "I will be there for you and our baby." He assured. "I just need a few minutes to wrap my mind around the fact that I actually have a chance to do this correctly this time."

Addison nodded. Everyone saw her pregnancy as a second chance to make this right and she didn't.

"Let me known when you make your first appointment, I want to be there with you through every single step of this." He told her surely and saw her nod again.

"I'll let you know once I choose an OB." She asked, wishing for some excuse to give her a chance to escape because she wasn't ready to start planning a happy life with a child she believed would replace the daughter she lokst.

"What's wrong, Addison?" Derek asked when he realized that she wasn't as excited as he was.

Addison was sure that her pager going off was some sort of divine intervention to whisk her away. She checked her phone and then looked back at Derek. "I'm sorry, it's the ER. I'll let you know when I make that appointment." She said quickly before making a hurried exit.

* * *

A few days later Addison's eyes were squeezed shut while Derek reassuringly squeezed her hand. She had always hated getting gynecological exams, which was ironic considering that she was a world-renowned gynecologists. She had a hard time deciding how she would choose an OB but the problem resolved itself when Derek informed her that her former mentor had accepted a position running the maternity ward at Mercy West.

"Everything is fine, Addison." The 50 something year old woman assured her as she pulled off her gloves. "You said you think you're almost at 11 weeks so we should probably be able to hear a heartbeat." She said as she squeezed the cold conductant over Addison's abdomen.

Addison's had her eyes fixed onto one spot on the ceiling. She did not want to look away, fearing that there was no heart beat and that her second chance at happiness was already gone. But within the first minute of the scan she heard a familiar thumping coming from the machine. On instinct she turned her head and stared at the screen.

"Is that it?" Derek asked her quietly.

She nodded her head, too mesmerized to form actual words.

"See that flickering on the screen? That's your baby's heart. And the baby is the peanut looking thing right there. It's about two inches big, it's got eyes and legs and arms but you can't really see it here. But you can see the umbilical cord right there." The woman explained why pointing to the screen. "Any questions?"

Addison shook her head then glanced at Derek who did the same.

"Okay, I'll print a few pictures for you guys. And, Addison, I know you're an amazing, world-class obstetrician but in here you're an expected mother. If you have any questions or concerns don't hesitate, okay?"

Addison nodded her head.

"I think she's too emotional to actually talk right now." Derek informed the doctor.

"Don't worry, Addie, everything is going perfectly so far." Dr. Sanders promised. "I'll give you guys privacy. And you can change when you're ready, Addison." She added before leaving the room.

"You okay, Ads?" Derek asked softly as she sat up. "You've been really quiet through all of this."

She nodded and took in a deep breath. "This is really happening. We're having another baby and he or she is perfect right now. We made another perfect little human being…" she trailed off in thought. "But Lena was perfect too…I ruined her life the minute I started seeing Robert. How could I let that happen? I let him into my life, I trusted him and he fucked it all up. I should have known better than to get that close to anyone, it's like I was an accomplice to the murder of my child. I can't destroy the life of another child."

"Honey…" Derek said gently, he reached out to wipe away the tear rolling down her cheek. "You did not ruin Lena's life. You were an amazing mother from what I've heard. You are not going to ruin anything for our unborn child. Our baby will love you, and we will do our best to protect this child from coming in harm's way."

"How do you know?" she asked with a sniffle. "How do you know we won't end up broken hearted and grieving again? I can't live that over, Derek. I can't. I almost lost it the first time, I would rather kill myself than have to go through that pain again."

"Stop stressing out, it's not good for you or the baby. Go change and then we'll go and get dinner. Sound good?" Derek asked with a smile.

Addison glanced his way and thought it over for a second before softly shaking her head. "I'm a little too emotional to go out. I just want to go home and be alone for a while to…think. I'm sorry, Derek. I know you're excited and I am too but it's hard…All of this is just so…"

Derek cut her off before she could finish because he could tell she was having a hard time expressing herself. "Don't worry. I know what you mean, it's all happening very quickly and you're still grieving so it's hard to balance the happiness you feel with the sadness you feel. I get it, you don't have to explain."

"Thank you." She whispered gratefully as she hopped off the table.

"Just remember, Addison, if you don't want to be alone I'll be right there fully prepared to do anything to take care of you…and our child." He told her gently so he wouldn't make her feel like he was pushing her.

She did her best to smile and nodded.

* * *

A week later Mark found himself wandering around behind Derek at some baby store in the mall (he was too annoyed to pay attention to what the name of the place was.) He watched as Derek looked through racks full of tiny clothes with wide eyes and a small smile.

"Seriously, Derek, why are we here? People are gonna think we're gay or something." Mark whined in an annoying tone much like a 6 year old boy who got dragged to a shoe store with his mom. "And that chick at the register is hot and I don't want her to get the wrong impression. Seattle is a small city, Derek. I'm running out of options."

Derek turned around and his grin got bigger as he said, "Addison is pregnant…with my baby. I have a chance to be actually be there for her this time and show her that I'm committed."

After hearing that Mark's facial expression instantly changed to match his best friend's. "That is amazing, man! Congratulations!" he exclaimed happily.

"Thanks." Derek replied before moving over to a new rack of clothes to find something perfect for his unborn baby.

"But isn't it too early to be shopping? I mean I saw Addison this morning, she doesn't look pregnant so I assume she's not far enough along to know the sex." Mark replied.

"I know, which is why buy clothes is so hard." Derek answered. "What do you buy a fetus?"

"I heard Tom Cruise bought an ultrasound machine when Katie Holmes was pregnant so he could look at his baby at home whenever he wanted." Mark answered. Derek couldn't tell if he was being serious or if he had made a failed attempt at being funny.

"Something cute! I need something cute! That is just creepy and I don't want Addison to think I'm a creep. I want to her to know I'm committed and trustworthy."

"A stroller? A car seat? A onsie? A rattle?" Mark randomly said every baby related item he could think off then stopped when his eyes landed on exactly what Derek needed. "Collection of bed time stories!"

"Why would I buy a fetus a bunch of books?" he asked with a quirked brow.

Mark shook his head and went off to grab the boxed book collection. He held it up to Derek and said, "You can read these books to the baby before she or he is born so it'll get to hear the sound of your voice. I've heard that babies can do that before they're born. And it'll show Addison that you're going to stick around this time around. I mean think about it, half-ass fathers don't read classics to their unborn baby." There was a short pause before Mark added, "This set is Dr. Seuss."

"I loved Dr. Seuss when I was a kid." Derek mumbled as he reached out to take the boxed set from Mark.

"I know. That's why we're getting the Dr. Seuss set instead of a lame collections of Mother Goose poems or something stupid and cliché like that. We're brainwashing Baby Montgomery-Shepherd before birth so he or she can grow up to be as awesome as we are." Mark added smugly as they walked over toward the registers where he proceeded to make plans for himself later that night, assuring the clerk that he was just a happy uncle-to-be and not Derek's partner in any sense of the word.

* * *

Derek showed up in front of Addison's hotel room door. It had been three weeks since he'd seen had a chance to really communicate with Addison. She seemed to shut off after their OB appointment and although he was excited about showing her his gift for their baby he held off. He feared that she would turn him away like she had the last time he had shown up in front of her hotel room door.

She smiled when she opened the door, obviously surprised by her presence but she smiled and let him in. "I wasn't expecting you, is everything okay?" she asked as she sat on the bed in the room and leaned her back against the propped up pillow.

"Yeah, it's fine. Is everything okay with you?"

Addison nodded her head before point in the direction of the boxed item in his hand. "Please tell me that is double chocolate cake. I could really go for double chocolate cake right about now. The second semester cravings kicked in two weeks ago and I still haven't gotten around to getting myself cake."

"It's not cake." He informed her regretfully. "It's a collection of First Edition Dr. Seuss books. I got it so I can read it to the baby. It hears your voice all the time but I'm not with you as often as I would like to be so it doesn't hear my voice too much. I figure I can come by once in a while and read to your bump so it'll know who I am when it's born."

For the first time in a long time he saw a genuine smile grow on her face. "That is the sweetest things I have ever heard. A little creepy, but still sweet."

"You wouldn't mind it?" he asked as he moved to take a seat on the opposite side of the bed until she stopped him. "What? Not in the mood to hear _Green Eggs and Ham _right now?"

"I'd probably throw up if you read about moldy food." She warned.

"It's not moldy, it's green." Derek said defensively.

"Right. But ham and eggs aren't supposed to be green…unless it's molded. So I'm right. Beside, you're not reading anything to anyone until I get my cake."

Derek laughed and reluctantly agreed. He returned half an hour later with a take-out box from his favorite restaurant, promising her it would be one the greatest chocolate cakes she's ever taste and he was right. He settled himself vertically on the bed, his head on her lap so he can be as close as possible to their baby and she had her half eaten cake plate balanced on his toned chest.

"I think I see a bump." Derek mumbled before her was even done with the first page. He moved his hand over to her abdomen, prepared to pull away if he noticed resistance.

"I ate half a slice of cake, Derek. Don't make me feel like a pig." She answered with an eye roll.

"No, Ad, seriously. It's tiny by it's there." He insisted.

"Oh god…" she groaned, staring down at the barely visible bump starting to form. "I'm only 14 weeks…I was hoping to go another few weeks without this! I don't want to be fat, Derek. I paid a lot of money for my clothing collection and I have no intention of not being able to zip up my new Chanel pencil skirt!"

"You're not fat." He assured her, his hand still gracing her soft skin. "It's the cutest think I have ever seen."

"That's because you don't have to worry about having to wear pants with an elastic waistline." She whined, pushing his hand away so she could see exactly how big a problem she had.

"I don't think I've ever found any woman to be as gorgeous as you are right now. It doesn't matter if you're in elastic pants or a skin tight pencil skirt." He answered with the most breathtaking smile he could muster.

"Derek, I may be hormonal and horny but I refuse to have sex with you." Addison warned, daring herself to resist his charm. "We are in a platonic relationship, no sex."

"Oh don't worry, I think it would be physiologically impossible for me to have sex after reading _Green Eggs and Ham._ My parents would read them to me. My Dad would read all the parts of Sam I am with a weird accent and my mom would be the other stubborn guy. I do not want to have sex with their voices in my head."

Addison laughed and ate another neatly cut piece of cake off her fork. "Besides, this cake so good that it may have induced a few orgasms. Had I known you were so knowledge about good cake I would let you hang around her more often."

"Does that mean I don't have to be afraid of coming here anymore?"

"As long as you've got double chocolate cake then you're welcomed to come by whenever." She said with a chocolate icing covered grin.

* * *

Okay, so I wasn't going to update because I have a crazy psych final tomorrow and I didn't want to get distracted. But every time I update instead of studying I always end up with an awesome grade so I took the risk.  
Review and don't make me regret taking a break from my cram session to post.

Btw: Enjoy the Addek fluff at the end because it may be a while before it happens again. Things will take another interesting turn. I doubt anyone can guess what happens next.


	9. Chapter 9

Derek burst into Mark's office with a happy grin on his face. He grabbed Mark's iPad and sat on one of the chairs across the desk to play Angry Birds.

"What are you doing?" Mark asked, somewhat annoyed that his best friend didn't even bother to knock or ask her permission anymore. "Don't you have patients now-a-days?"

"Addison had an OB appointment an hour ago so I took the whole morning off." He answered, doing his best to concentrate on the game to break Mark's high score.

"Addie told me that you might be able to find out this time." Mark said, then discovered that having a conversation with someone entirely focused on a game was near impossible. "Derek! I'm talking to you about your child." He exclaimed.

Derek looked up, deciding to quit the game and hand over the iPad. He grinned and said, "We're having a girl. Addison and I are going to have a daughter. She is perfect; everything has been textbook so far."

"That is amazing, Derek." Mark said with a proud smile. "I am really very happy for you two. I can't wait unit that kid is born. I am going to spoil her so much. And I'm gonna take her a Yankee's game in New York for her fifth birthday. It'll be awesome. We'll have hot dogs and get those foam finger things." Mark rambled then turned to Derek, "Oh, would you wanna come with us?"

Derek laughed. "You're making plans five years ahead of time?"

Mark shrugged. "I think your daughter is the closest I'll ever get to a kid of my own. Let me enjoy it." He answered. "Oh, and she can't date until she's 50. I just decided that for you and Addison. No negotiation. If that girl looks anything like her mother then boys are gonna be all over her and we can't have that."

Derek nodded. "You're right. And I'm pretty damn good looking too so there is no way that kid if going to be ugly. That's a problem when she hits 15."

Mark looked at Derek and shook his head. "I don't see it, buddy. Have you seen your nose? If this kid gets you nose then we've got nothing to worry about. If not, then I'm buying her a body guard for her thirteenth birthday party and for her sixteenth birthday I'm buying myself a machine gun."

Derek smiled. "There is something I wanted to tell you, Mark. Addison and I thought long and hard and we would like you to be her godfather."

"Seriously? Mark 'the manwhore' Sloan as your child's godfather? Are you sure?" he asked skeptically.

"Mark, you already have her fifth, thirteenth and sixteenth birthday gifts planned. If that's not godfather material then I don't know what is."

* * *

"The escrow on my house is not closed yet." Addison complained when Derek showed up at her hotel room that night with a slice of chocolate cake. "I'm at 30 weeks. We're running out of time. I need time to remodel the place before moving in and I can't raise a baby in a hotel room, Derek…and don't say we can stay at your apartment until the house is ready because you apartment is smaller than this hotel room."

"Addison, you know that it is scheduled to close in 8 days. You can't expect it to close early. And how many times do we need to tell you that stressing out is not good for you or the baby. You need to stay calm." He replied softly and offered her the cake as reward if she took his advice. "I will make sure that your house is ready by the time our daughter is born. She's not going to be homeless the first few weeks of life. She will have the best start possible, okay?" he assured her with a smile.

Addison nodded. "I don't know how I'm going to do this." She admitted as she got into her bed and covered herself with the plush white blankets. "I had so much help last time. My parents and my brother were there for every second of the first year. I couldn't do it all alone."

"I know." Derek said softly as he came up to sit beside her on the bed. "You know how terrible I feel about leaving you to endure that alone. I really am very sorry. And I am trying to make up for it this time around. I'm just a phone call away, alright? You won't have to do anything alone. Mark and I will help and I'm sure your family will stick around for a while if you ask them."

Addison shook her head. "I can't ask them to take on so much responsibility for me again. Would you want to move in with me once the house is ready?" she asked hopefully. "You'd have your own room and you freedom, obviously. I'm not sure how girls will react when you bring them home to your daughter and a baby-mama but you're free to do what you want."

"I'm not really interested in seeing anyone right now." Derek assured her. "You and our daughter are way more important. I would love to move in with you so I can be there to help with everything. I wanted to ask but I thought it would be rude to force myself into your house."

Addison smiled in relief. "It's a 5 bedroom house. I bought something with enough room for me, you and our baby. We can keep one room as a guest room and turn the other one into an office for us. I was just afraid to tell you earlier because I didn't want you to turn me down."

"I would never say turn you down." He assured her softly. He was right about to add _because_ _I love you _but he held back because he didn't want to freak her out.

* * *

"Shepherd!" Archer exclaimed, running to catch Derek who was making his way down the hall in the post-op department of the surgical wing.

"Archer." Derek groaned, doing his best to hide an eye roll. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see my sister. I miss her, I'm not used to being away from her for months at a time." He answered. "She's pregnant. And she says you're the father."

"You didn't know that?" Derek asked with a raised brow, he had been under the impression that Addison shared everything in her life with her brother.

"I did. She's mentioned it a few times but I guess I didn't believe her." He replied with a shrug. "I told you I would kill you if you hurt her, you remember that, right? That still stands. I will kill you and it will hurt."

"I don't intend on hurting her this time around." Derek assured. "I will be there for her through everything. Thick or thin, I'll be there. I'm ready for this, I wasn't last time. Last time I was immature and stupid but this time I will be there for my family."

"She said that you're not in a relationship." Archer responded with a curious brow raised which he looked oddly at Derek.

"We're not." Derek confirmed. "Why are you looking at me like I have an extra eye or something?"

"You sound very much committed and in love for a couple who is not together." Archer mumbled, finding the situation to be quite strange. "Are you in love with Addison?"

"Yes." Derek replied on instinct. When he heard the words love and Addison in one sentence he didn't have to think about it.

"Does she know how you feel about her?" her asked, his voice much less harsh then it had been when the conversation started out.

"No."

"Are you going to tell her anytime soon?"

"No."

"Don't you think she deserves to know? I may not like you but you make my sister happy. I don't know why she claims you're the love of her life but she does and she has the right to know how you feel."

Derek shook his head. "I can't tell her." He mumbled. "I promised her that I wouldn't pressure her into a relationship and if I tell her how I feel I would be breaking my promise. I can't break anymore promises I've made to her."

* * *

**5 weeks later**

Addison had been calling Derek all morning but he wasn't answering his phone. She had already left four messages but he had not called her back. It was like Déjà vu of the last time she was in labor except she had no one else to reply on this time. She turned on her side and curled up, letting out a loud, painful groan as a contraction hit her.

Half an hour later the door to her hotel room opened and Derek walked in. He glanced in her direction and dropped the bag of take-out Chinese food he was holding to rush by her side. "What's wrong?" he asked and he brought his hand to rest on her curved abdomen. "Is she practicing karate in there or something?"

"I think I'm in labor." She mumbled surely. "Luckily, my water didn't break yet. It's still too early. I'm hoping it's just Broxton Hicks. It's too early for actual labor. I still have five weeks to go, I can't be in labor right now." She mumbled. "Her lungs aren't fully developed, there are so many things that can go wrong. I need to keep her inside for another two or three weeks, at least. She needs more time to develop."

"Honey…" Derek started softly, taking her hand with both of his. "You just said yourself that your water is still intact, let's get you to the hospital and we can stop your contractions with magnesium sulfate or tibutaline. Don't worry, okay?"

"Derek, I can't endanger this child. I can't. I need to know that I did my part in keeping her safe until she's ready to come out, she can't come out right now. She's not ready, I'm not ready, we are not ready."

"We are, Addison. We are. You've got shopping bags full of baby clothes in the corner of your hotel room, you've got a car seat in the truck of your car. We've been preparing for this for the last four months."

"The house is still under construction. Her room is not ready, she doesn't have a crib. We're supposed to have five more weeks!" she yelled. Addison clutched her pillow and pressed her eyes shut at another surge of pressure.

"Please, please tell me you just peed." Derek whispered, the color in his face quickly drained while all the different complications of early delivery (which he recalled from his OB rotation) ran through his mind.

Addison opened her eyes and fearfully looked into Derek's before lifting the thin blanket covering her body to see amniotic fluid soaking into the sheets. She grimaced and very quietly said, "My water broke."

* * *

And now you click that button down there and tell me what you think. If you have any ideas on how the story should end include it in the review :)


	10. Chapter 10

Addison exhaled a nervous breath as her doctor stood up from the stool and pulled off her gloves. She gave Addison a sympathetic look. "Addison…" Dr. Sander started saying. "We have been waiting for hours, Addison. You are only at 6 centimeters. The baby is starting to have late decals. We can't wait."

"No." Addison replied firmly, not even willing to listen to the rest of what her doctor had to say. She knew the speech well because she had given it countless times herself. "I am not having a c-section. I planned on doing this like I did it last time."

"Addie…" Derek began softly as he reached for her had. "Every pregnancy is different. You can't expect this pregnancy to be like it was last time."

"Exactly." Dr. Sanders nodded her, agreeing with Derek's statement. "You don't have anything to worry about. You're at 35 weeks, that's borderline premature. Your baby is mostly developed. We've administer steroids when you checked in make sure she's not born with underdeveloped lungs. And if she does need addition help, we've got all the resources to take care of her. Okay, sweetheart?"

Addison reluctantly nodded. "Okay." She whispered.

Half an hour later Derek stood in the OR and watched as his baby was withdrawn from Addison's body. The smile on his face grew when he heard the baby's very first cry and he looked down at Addison and tightened his hold of her hand. "She's out. We officially have a little girl."

"Is she okay?" Addison asked with traces of panic still evident in her voice. But before anyone could answer her the pink bundle was placed into Derek's waiting arms.

He looked down at her daughter with emotional tears building up in his eyes and he took a few steps to bring the baby closer to her mother. "She's perfect." Derek assured. "You're doing great. You pulled through. She is doing great and you have nothing to worry about right now."

Addison sniffled and nodded, her hand reaching up to stroke the infant's cheek. "She looks almost identical to…" she couldn't even finish her sentence because of a sob that racked her body.

Derek's quickly wiped the tears from her face then held his daughter closer to his chest as he bent over to place a kiss on forehead. "Don't think about that right now." He whispered softly. "I'm going to go take her up to peds so they can clean her a little better and do a more through exam. Do you want me to with her or you want me to stay with her?"

"Derek, you know you want go with her. She's your daughter. I'm no one to you."

Derek shook his head, refusing to allow her to believe her words. "I'm going to let a nurse take her and I'm going to stay with you. I'm not leaving you alone while you're on an operating table." He told her softly and placed another kiss on her forehead. It was his way of showing her that he would never leave her.

* * *

Addison fell asleep the second she was back in her private room. She hadn't even had the chance to hold her nameless daughter yet. Derek sat by her side, his attention focused on the muted television set mounted on the wall. The second the door creak open Addison opened her eyes to see a nurse walk in with a baby bundle up in her arms. The young woman smiled and set the infant down in her mother's arms. "Dr. Peters from Peds checked her over. He says she is doing very well for a premie. He doesn't see any reason to keep her in the NICU but he does what to keep her in the nursery for a few days to monitor her." She explained and Addison numbly nodded as she cuddled the crying baby in her arms to lull her. "She's a little cranky. She's had three different doctors examine her to make sure she's alright, she's been poked for blood test, weighed, measured…all of it."

"What were her measurement?" Derek asked curiously, just then realizing that no one had given them the information every parent knows within minutes of their child's birth.

"She is 4 pounds, six ounces, 18 inches." The nurse answered with a smile. "One of the reasons Dr. Peters wants to keep her around for a few days is to make sure she's gaining weight. Once she's a little closer to five pounds you should be able to take her home. She can stay in the room with your while you're here, if she needs to stay after you leave then we'll keep her in the nursery and you can come by as often as you'd like."

"Hear that, Add? Five pounds is the safe zone, right? She's only off by half a pound." He told Addison softly, knowing that she had been concerned about the fact that she couldn't even reach the minimum requirement of 38 weeks for a full term baby.

"Anyway, I think she's hungry. Do you plan on nursing her? I know this is the first time so I can help if you need it."

Addison took a breath noticing that the baby was reflexively trying to suck anything that came near her mouth. She hadn't breastfed Lena; only because she didn't have the time to between class and studying. She had seen patients doing it before, she could almost physically see the bond it created between a mother and a child. She needed to do something to feel some sort of bond to the baby she was holding so she nodded her head. "I don't think I need help." She had given taught so many patients through her career. She didn't need anyone to teach her.

"Okay, give me a call if you need help." the nurse answered with a smile before she left to give the new family some privacy.

Addison slowly pulled down one shoulder of her gown and brought the baby closer to her breast. She winced when her mouth caught on and bit her bottom lip to keep from screaming and scaring the infant.

"You okay?" Derek asked, standing from his seat only to see that the baby was no feeding. "Isn't her mouth supposed to be moving?" he asked unsurely. He had only witnessed breast feeding closely a handful of times.

"She's just biting me." Addison's voice cracked as she answered. "She was just sucking everything in sight and now that she's supposed to suck all she's doing is biting my nipple."

"Maybe she needs sometime to figure it all out." Derek suggested. "I've heard that the first time breastfeeding is not exactly pleasant for anyone. My mom hasn't done it like 25 years but she still complains every chance she gets."

Addison nodded, squeezing her eyes shut when she felt the baby's gum squeeze her again. She grazed her index finger softly along her cheek, knowing that sensation usually caused infants to start suckling. "Come on, please…" she begged quietly.

The effort when on for another half an hour. They tried different positions, they switched sides, they did everything they could think of before Addison gave up. She slipped her arm back into her gown to cover herself then handed the baby off to Derek. "Give her a bottle." She whispered tiredly.

"You don't want to try again?" he asked

Addison glared at him. "It's not that easy, Derek! It hurts! My fucking boobs hurt! They're sore and all she does it bite me. It hurts!" she snapped, her voice sounding harsh and exhausted, unintentionally startling her daughter and inducing tears.

Derek nodded understandingly as he cradled the wailing baby in his arms. "Can you comfort her while I run out to get a bottle?" he asked after a few minutes while already moving to pass the baby back to her.

Addison shook her head. "Put her in the basinet." She said almost inaudibly.

* * *

Derek held the infant against his chest in the middle of the night and gently swayed her in his arms to soothe her tears away. He had tried giving her a bottle but she wasn't interested, he checked her diaper but she was clean, he feared she might be in pain so he went into doctor mode and quickly looked over her. He had no idea why she was crying at three in the morning and he didn't want to wake Addison after she had finally gone to sleep.

"Honey, you're killing me." Derek told the infant softly and sat down on a rocking chair in the room. He felt the baby settle her head on his shoulder and her cries softened just slightly. "What's wrong, baby?" he asked as he rubbed her back soothingly. "I think you need a name. We can't keep using little pet names for you."

Derek looked up at Addison thinking she may have woken up from the commotion but she was still I a coma like sleep. "What do you think of Emma?" he asked the baby. "You kinda look like an Emma. Emma Montgomery-Shepherd. Or maybe we'll do Shepherd-Montgomery…I'm not sure. Your mom might want you to just have one of our last names and if that's the case I'm not sure which one it would be. But I think Emma sounds good with every possibility, right?"

The baby's screams died down as she listened to her father's voice. She obviously had no idea what was being said to her but the voice was calming and that's all she wanted, she just need love and comfort.

"Oh, you stopped crying. That's a good sign, right? That means you like the name?" Derek asked and heard her gurgle. "Okay, so we are agreed. Emma is perfect. Let's just wait until we ask Mommy then we'll make it official." He told her daughter. "And I know she's been kind of weird since you were born. I think she's just tired, jellybean. I have no other explanation. But she's pretty awesome, you'll see. Once the exhaustion and pain wears off, you will seriously never want to be around anyone by her."

Addison had been awake long enough to hear the words Derek had started softly directing to their daughter, Emma he had apparently decided (luckily she loved the name or else she would have started yelling and he would have known she wasn't asleep.) She kept her eyes closed, not wanting him to know that she was awake. She didn't want to ruin his perfect moment with the baby. She heard him tell the baby that everything would be okay soon enough, he promised the baby that she's just tired and needs some rest before assumes the role of the wonderful mother she was thought to be. The only problem was that she was not tired, she wasn't in any pain anymore. She was numb...toward everything. She was broken and she had no idea how to fix it for the sake of the people she loved.

* * *

Guys! I need help finding a story! It was published a while ago but I read it recently and now I can't find it to add it to my favs. It was an Addek Christmas story. It took place after the divorce, Addison was already in LA. Derek asked her to go to Connecticut with him for Christmas and pretend they are still married because no one wanted to break the news to his grandmother that they had divorced. Then they fell love all over again. It was a really cute story. Any one know what I'm talking about? Message me if you. Thanks!

don't forget to review :) btw deslil: nice job guessing the name.


	11. Chapter 11

_Addison was in midst of preparing for a final. Bizzy and the Captain had no choice but to leave her alone with Lena for the night. They knew she had a lot of studying but Bizzy was a board member for a charity who had an annual fundraiser and they couldn't miss it. The Captain offered to stay home and take care of Lena, Archer offered to spend his night off at the estate to help but Addison insisted she could manage on her own._

_Addison was seated on a rocking chair with her 8 month old daughter cradled against her chest. There were two text books on the carpeted ground beside the crib with a notebook covered from cover to cover in writing. She tried to fit as much studying in as she could while Lena slept. The only problem was that Lena sounded like she had colic (as diagnosed by the Captain) and she wasn't sleeping more than half an hour at a time._

_"You've been up screaming every night this week, Lena." Addison told the baby even though she knew the child couldn't understand anything she said. Lena had been up almost all night for six days in a row. Addison had been there to soothe for the first night but Bizzy and the Captain alternated the nights after that to allow her to study. _

_The nuzzled herself into her mother's chest, seeking comfort and warmth. Addison held onto her tighter and kissed her fuzzy, dark haired head. "I'm here, honey. I'm here. You're okay." She whispered soothingly while rocking back and forth. _

_She looked up when the door creaked open and she saw her father walk in. "Everything alright, Addie?" he asked, wincing when Lena let out a piercing cry. _

_"She won't stop crying." Addison mumbled in exhaustion. "I have a 180 pages of notes to read and I couldn't get passed page 15. And I couldn't even focus while studying those 15 pages because she's the only thing I care about right now. Bizzy said you wouldn't be home until around 3 or 4 in the morning. It's barely 1:30." _

_"I didn't want to leave you alone here. You haven't slept in two days, you've got that final tomorrow. Bizzy and I agreed that one of us should be here to help you and because she's organized the event, she couldn't leave so I did." He explained as he lifted his crying granddaughter from her mother's arms. _

_"I wouldn't get any sleep either way. If you stay I'd spent the whole night up with her, now that you're here I'm gonna spend all night studying." _

_"Go to sleep, Addison. Even if it's just for 3 or 4 hours, it's better than nothing. You've read that notebook cover to cover four times this week, you've read the book twice, you've gone over your previous tests more times than I can count. I even quizzed you and you scored like 97 percent or something like that. You're ready for the final, Addison." _

_"It was a 91." Addison corrected. "A 91 is an A minus…I don't like A minuses. I like As which means I need to get over 95." _

_The Captain rolled his eyes wondering when she would give up on being a perfectionist. "You're class starts at 9:30. It's 1:30 right now, go to sleep. I'll wake you up at 5 and you'll review before you start getting ready to go."_

_Addison ended up getting an A- in the class but she didn't care. She knew that some sacrifices were worth making. If she could spend every night holding and comforting her daughter and get through medical school with A minuses then she knew she had no right to complain. _

* * *

Emma had been kept in the nursery an addition five days after Addison was discharged. She stayed in her hotel room, never once going to visit her daughter while she was in the nursery being monitered. Derek had taken a paternity leave to care for the baby and Addison. He had been spending a majority of his day forcing construction workers to work around the clock to have the house done as soon as possible for his daughter but he would take a break every few hours to go see how the infant was doing.

They moved into the house a week after Emma left the hospital and Addison spent most of her time locked in the master bedroom. Everytime, tonight being no exception, Emma began crying as soon as the clock hit 3 am. He stayed in bed for a few minutes, assuming Addison would get her. But when the crying didn't stop, when he didn't hear a feminine voice trying to soothe the baby he got up and went into the room to see Addison with her under her pillow.

"The baby is crying, Addison." He pointed out the obvious. "Aren't you going to do something?"

"Do I have to?" she asked, looking him in the eyes as if there was no problem with her question. She had been the first to jolt out of bed with Lena was an infant. She would do anything to sooth Lena but she hadn't been able to do any of the same maternal things for Emma.

He shook his head in aggravation and calmed the baby himself then he glared at her with anger that he had never felt before. "What is wrong with you?" he exclaimed, baby curled up in his arms. "I have tried to be patient, I have tried to do everything humanly possible so you won't be bothered with her. I oversaw everything with the house, I do 80 percent of the work when it comes to our daughter and you stay in bed all day and all night. You give her a bottle a day, change two diapers a week and you call yourself a mother."

"I don't call myself a mother." She whispered.

"What is going on with you?" he exclaimed. "You never smile! You barely ever talk. You don't do anything to take care of yourself. Are you depressed?"

Addison remained silent for a few seconds, staring at a random spot on the wall while she listened to him. She finally looked at him and very calmly said, "Get out."

"What?" he asked, not expecting that reaction from her.

"Get out of my room." She repeated, looking at the startled baby in his arms. She wanted to connect, to feel maternal instinct but she couldn't and hearing him scream was the last thing she needed. Seeing her daughter break into another fit of tears softened her voice as she continued, "I just need to be alone."

Needless to say, he felt guilty for the rest of the night.

* * *

The next morning Derek lightly knocked on the door before walking into her room. As always she was curled up on her side and staring at the wall. He set down a mug full of coffee and her nightstand and observed her crumpled appearance for a second.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you last night." He said softly.

Addison stayed silent, she gave no palpable form of response so he started to back away toward the door.

"You haven't been eating much lately, I'm just really worried about you." He admitted from the doorway. "At least drink the coffee, just so you have a little glucose in you. If not for me, if not for yourself, do it for Emma. She needs a mom, she needs you to be alert."

"I'm trying." Addison finally whispered, causing Derek to turn back after he walked out the door.

He nodded his head and took a few steps back into the room. "I know you are, honey. I know you are, and I don't know what to do to help but it was wrong of my to be upset. I know Lena is probably heavy on your mind. It would be amazing to have her with us today. We'd be the perfect family. Two kids, amazing house, great careers. We would have it all."

A tear slid down Addison's cheek and she nodded.

"We only have one little girl, but the rest of that dream is still there, Addison." He pointed out. "We can't be perfect. Perfect is not real. Every family faces some kind of problem."

"We're not really a family." Addison whispered. "We are just living together to raise a baby we conceived while I was very, very drunk."

"Do you not want Emma, Addison? Because if you don't want her, if you want out; I'll raise her myself." He assured her, not wanting her to feel trapped. "You just seemed so happy the last few months of the pregnancy, I didn't think…"

"I was happy. I don't know what's happening." She confirmed. "And I love my daughter…"

"It doesn't seem that way."

"You don't think I realize that?" she yelled, sitting up in bed and staring at him with tears welling up in her eyes. "I'm trying! I don't know what else to do! I don't know what's happening to me! I'm trying to be a good mom but I can't connect with her, I can't hold her, I can't look at her without remembering Lena. And remembering Lena kills me because I know I can never hold her again."

"Maybe you should talk to someone." He suggested as he came closer and took a seat at the edge of her bed.

"I'm talking to you." She whispered. "I don't want to talk to some stranger. You may not know exactly what I feel, Derek but you understand my pain better than any therapist would."

Derek nodded understandingly. He moved closer to her and wrapped his arms around her comfortingly. "I'm always here if you want to talk. I'll do whatever it takes to help you feel better."

"Take care of Emma." Addison mumbled against his chest. "Because right now I can't take care of her but I need to know she's okay."

"She's okay." Derek assured. "She's asleep in my room."

He felt Addison nod against his chest and tightened his arms around her while playing a tender kiss over her hair. He heard her sniffle but she couldn't hold back her tears. He knew she most likely had postpartum depression and they had a long difficult journey ahead but he was committed to staying by her side.

Derek took a deep breath to help him work up the nerve to tell her the four words that had been lingering in his mind for days. "Addison, I love you." He said softly but her absolutely no response. He loosed her embrace only to discover that she had fallen asleep in his arms which meant she didn't hear his confession. He carefully settled her beneath the covers and knelt down to kiss her cheek. "You need to get better because I love you and I can't stand seeing you go through all this pain." He whispered into her ear before moving toward the door.

"I love you, too." He heard her whispered and turned back to see her eyes fighting to stay open a little longer. "Stay with me. I can't be alone anymore, Derek. Please."

He nodded, moving quickly to get into the other side of the bed before she could have a chance to change her mind. That side of the bed had never been occupied by anyone, he was determined that one day that would be _his s_ide even though he usually slept on the opposite side. He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her tightly against his chest. "You have no idea how long I've waited to tell you those words." He whispered.

"I'm broken." She replied. "I can't feel anything. I…don't know what's wrong with me. I love you, I do and I love Emma. I just don't know how to show it. Every time I try to express my affection I just feel more numb." She admitted emotionlessly.

"It's okay, we'll take this one step at a time. You, me and Emma, we're a family. We just have push ourselves through and come out on the other side."

"I don't have enough energy to push through." Addison admitted.

"I will carry you through." Derek promised, placing a soft kiss on the shoulder he had his head nuzzled into. He wasn't sure if he could face the battle before, but now that he knew how she felt he was ready to fight.

* * *

Not the typical post-baby Addison you read in story, right? What do you think of it?


	12. Chapter 12

Addison was officially diagnosed with Postpartum depression when she went for her a post natal check-up. She was put on low-dose anti-depressants to help her manage her emotions though he hadn't seen any noticeable improvement since she had started taking the medicine. "Have you taken your pill?" he asked her softly when she came downstairs for a bottle of water. He was sitting at the kitchen table where he was feeding Emma while reading the paper he didn't have time to read that morning.

She nodded quietly, looking at the baby who was carelessly drinking the formula out of the bottle. It reminded her that she couldn't even provide her child with the most basic necessity a mother is meant to provide: milk "She's getting bigger." She whispered as she stood there staring at the baby. She wanted to turn and walk away but she couldn't. "Is she um…doing okay?" she wondered, for once showing a genuine interest.

Derek gave her a soft smile and nodded. "She is doing really well. Her doctor says we can stop worrying as far as development goes, she's pretty much out grown her premie status. She's like most other 6 week old babies. She is just on the smaller side of the norm."

"That's good." Addison mumbled, her lips involuntary giving in to a smile, the first smile Derek had seen on her fact in weeks. "I'm uh…going to go back to bed."

* * *

*1 month later*

Derek buckled his daughter into the car seat set on the kitchen counter. She had just learned to smile so he would do everything in his power to make sure he saw her innocent little grin as often as possible. He would talk to her in a variety of different funny voice, similar to those he used when he read Dr. Suess to her and she was thank him with what he called the most beautiful smile ever.

He turned around when he heard heels coming down the stairs and smile. For the first time in months, she was dressed in one of her overpriced yet simple dresses, wearing heels that probably cost more then his monthly car payment. He smiled at her and said, "I see you're ready to go back to work."

She nodded. "I know you think it's too early but I need to get some normalcy back in my life. I'll only be working part time. Just a few hours a day to keep my mind off what a miserable failure of a mother I am." She answered.

"You are not a failure as a mother. You're getting better. It's hard but all that matters is that you're trying. At least you can look at her without cringing now." Derek replied. "So Adele is going to watch her while we are at work. You can come home after your surgery and relax. I'll pick up Em after my shift, we'll grab take-out and we'll be home around 7ish."

Addison nodded and watched as he adjusted the hood covering their daughter's head. "I can't stay home with her like any other decent mother. The reason women have breasts is to feed their child and I can't do that. That makes me a failure." She whispered, looking down at her Jimmy Choo pumps.

Derek turned to her and stepped closer, the tucked her straightened hair behind her ear and softly ran caressed her cheek with his knuckles. When she didn't pull away he moved closer and softly kissed her lips. "Honey, you've got a real condition. It's not some made up illness. It's postpartum depression, and it's not too uncommon. You're not a horrible mother, you're sick. It's okay, it's treatable and I don't know about you but I'm seeing improvement since you started getting treatment."

"You do?" she asked, hint of hopefulness in her voice as she looked right into his eyes while his hands cupped her face.

"You got cleared for surgery, you agreed to give a go at being in a relationship with me, you are not in your pajamas right now… All signs that you are improving and that you are slowly but surely ready to leave isolation."

Addison nodded. "I _am_ trying." She whispered.

* * *

Not much had changed a few weeks later. Addison had gone from working 5 hours a day to barely being home for 5 hours a day. She explained to Derek that she felt like she belonged when she was at work. She felt happy and confident about her abilities unlike she did at home. She said that she needed to be at work if he ever expected her to recover. He agreed, willing to do whatever it was that made her happy. He didn't see how that would help her relationship with Emma, he didn't see how it would help their relatonship. He ignored it all of that because seeing her tell a mother that her infant survived an impossible surgery with a smile on her face was enough to prove to him that she wasn't a miserable wreck like she would if he forced her to stay home.

"There you are." He said when he saw her standing in front of the surgical board with a marker in her hand. He had four month old Emma in his arms and she was curiously looking at her mother with a smile. "Are you gonna come home tonight or do you have to stay here again?"

Addison turned and looked at Derek then glanced down at Emma who appeared to be much bigger than she remembered. She finished writing her name in a slot of OR 4 then capped the marker. "I have another patient that needs emergent surgery."

"Oh…" Derek breath out, his disappointment evident. "Then I'll leave you to it. I should get Em to bed before she gets cranky and refuses to sleep. I'll see you tomorrow at the head of department budgeting meeting."

Addison nodded and looked down as he started walking away but then her hand shot out and grabbed his arm to stop him. "I'll be home after the surgery. It won't take too long if there are no unforeseen complications. Maybe I can grab take-out from this French restaurant I've heard is amazing. We haven't just had a night to ourselves in a while."

Derek smiled at her and nodded. "Sounds good. I should get her to bed so she won't be whining while we're…."

"Dining." Addison suggested with a coy smile. "Sorry, that was corny."

Derek shook his head, "No, that was cute." he replied with a smile, truly glad that for the first time in he saw her smile about something other than a patient. "I will see you at home in a few hours." He said, leaning in to peck her lips. She hesitated for a second before pressing a kiss to her daughter's head, the first in as she could remember.

She was home three hours later with a large brown bag full of Chinese food.

"I thought we were gonna have French." Derek said when he walked into the kitchen to see her pulling white Chinese take-out boxes out of the bag.

"I had a sudden craving for Chinese." She explained as she sat down at the table and reached for one of the containers. "Do you mind? I should have called you before changing the plans and getting what I want. Sorry, I haven't been thinking reasonably lately."

"No, it's fine. I don't mind having Chinese instead of French. Not that big a deal." Derek sat down on the table beside her. "Did your surgery go well?"

Addison shrugged her shoulders as she picked up a few pan-fried noodles with her chop sticks. "He is stable. But we are going to have to wait and see how effective the procedure was. How was your night? Everything go alright with Emma?"

He nodded, not wanting to talk with a mouthful of steamed rice. He finished chewing and swallowed then said, "She is asleep. She's been going down pretty easily lately, not waking up as much at night. She's getting to that cute period where it's not all pooping and crying."

Addison chuckled but immediately after that an awkward silence settled between the two of them. "I know I've been submerged in work recently, I just needed an outlet to distract me. I need something to distract me from my problems. I've been neglectful toward our relationship, I've been worse than neglectful toward Emma but I'm starting to feel like myself. It's slow progression but it's something."

"I know." Derek nodded, mouthful of beef and broccoli. "That's why I haven't been on your case about it. I know you're not doing it because you want to avoid us, you're doing it to move forward."

The conversation was interrupted when Emma's cries erupted from the baby monitor. They both looked toward it before Derek pushed himself up from the chair. "Let me go check on her and I'll be right back." He promised before running up the stairs. Her diaper wasn't wet, she didn't want her bottle, she pulled out her pacifier and threw it on the floor and five minutes of continuous rocking did not help. Derek cradled Emma in his arms and went back downstairs where Addison was still slowly working on her dinner. "You mind if she hangs out with us for a while? I couldn't get her to stop and I didn't want her to be alone. I think she's not feeling well."

Addison wasn't sure if it was the neonatologist in her or the mother but she moved toward Derek and stroked the baby's cheek with her index finger. "She doesn't have a fever." She mumbled. "Has she been throwing up or something?"

Derek shook his head and looked at her with evident shock as she allowed the baby to tightly grip her finger. "She does that…I think it's her way to making sure that you don't go away. When she doesn't want you around she refuses to grab your finger."

"If she doesn't have a fever and she hasn't been vomiting then what does that leave?" Addison asked, still focusing on the medical side of things. "Pain. Do you think she's in pain?" But why would she be in pain?"

"Relax, Dr. Montgomery, I'm sure it's nothing serious." He told her sarcastically and smiled when the baby yawn and her eyes began fluttering closed. "She was fine before I put her down and she's drifting off and not screaming so that's a good sign. Do you want to hold her for a second? I really need to pee and she won't go to sleep unless someone rocks her. If I put her down now she's start screaming."

Addison immediately took a step away from them, causing Emma's eyes to burst open again when she felt her mother's finger slip away form her grip. "I can't." she whispered. "I still don't trust myself alone with her. I wouldn't know what to do if something happened."

"Addison…"

"I'm trying, Derek." She interupped before he could on. "Don't rush me."

"It's been a while that you're 'trying' and while I've noticed an improvement in our relationship, I think Emma is still getting the short end of the stick. You haven't tried to bond with her, you don't want to take care of her, you flinch when she cries…"

Addison found herself getting a little too angry and a bit too emotional a little too quickly. She shook her head in defeat and moved toward the counter to grab her purse and car keys. She was about to walk out of the kitchen but she stopped and turned to him, "Just now, letting myself get that close, letting her hold my finger, that was me trying to bond with her. But if you can't see that, if this is all too much of a burden for you then I'm gonna go and give you some time to figure out what you want."

"You can't just leave. You can't walk out every time things get too overwhelming for you!" Derek exclaimed as followed her toward the front door.

She stopped, hand halfway to the knob and gaped at him. "So it's okay for you to walk out on your wife and unborn daughter because it was just too overwhelming but when I'm in the same shoes, it's not okay?" she yelled before walking out the door and slamming it shut behind her.

Derek signed in defeat. He never realized the irony of the situation. He neglected her and their daughter and walked out on them because he wasn't sure if he could commit. This time around he knew he was ready for anything the future would throw at them and Addison was the one doing the doubting.

* * *

I'm going to Europe toward the end of the week so I won't be updating for two weeks unless I have time to go online there but I won't make any promises. It's all written out and finished so I'll post frequantly once I get back. Let me know your thoughts on the chapter!


	13. Chapter 13

_Lena walked into her mother's office after school and tossed her backpack on the floor and peered into the playpen where her baby sister was sleeping. "You are kind of cute when you're not screaming as loud as humanly possible." she mumbled then dragged her feet toward the couch._

_As soon as her ass hit the cushion the baby began crying. Lena groaned loudly and pulled herself up again. "I jinxed it." she said to herself as she moved to pick up the crying infant._

_Meanwhile Addison dug her hand into the pocket of her lab coat and pulled out the baby monitor. She quickly muted the sound of her crying daughter then glanced at her laboring patient apologetically. "I'm sorry, I will be back in about an hour to check your progress again. But if anything come up before that have a nurse page me." she told her patient who nodded._

_"I didn't know you have kids, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd." the woman spoke up as Addison moved toward the door. "Girl? Boy?"_

_"Two girls." Addison replied with a smile. "One is 15 and the other is 14 weeks."_

_"14 weeks? That's three and a half months. You just gave birth? Does it hurt? Should I get the the epidural?" the young woman asked quickly, looking for advice from the standpoint of another mother, not her doctor._

_"I can't tell you what to do. But I can't lie and say it's not painful. It hurts with and without epidural. And not to sound cliché but that pain really does fade away the second you hear your baby cry." Addison paused. "I should go before my daughter locks the baby in the closet so she won't have to hear crying."_

_The woman laughed and nodded as Addison rushed away._

_Much to her surprise, Addison walked in to see Lena with holding Emma to her chest. "And here I was thinking you would lock her in the closet so you can get some peace and quiet."_

_Lena glared at her mother who was gently lifting whimpering Emma from her arms. "I'm not heartless. I'm just tired. She cries all night."_

_"I know, I'm sorry." Addison responded while cradling her daughter to her chest. "She's probably got colic. It's common, she'll outgrow it eventually. We can't really do much about it."_

_"But I have midterms this week, Mom." Lena complained._

_"Well your father and I had med school finals when you had the worst case of colic known to mankind. We both did pretty damn well so I expect you to be able to get through a history midterm with a colicky baby in the house."_

_"Why have you been acting like such a bitch toward me lately?" Lena asked._

_"What?" Addison scoffed dismissively. "That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."_

_"Mom, you forgot me at school last week. You never answer my text messages. You brought home take out yesterday and you didn't bring me anything. It's like I don't exist since Emma was born. It's like she replaced me or something." Lena went on to say, her voice dying down into a whisper toward the end. _

_Addison carefully put the sleeping baby into the playpen and sighed, running her hand through her hair as she stood upright again. She stepped closer to Lena and tucked her loose her behind her ear, "She could never replace you." She assured her older daughter softly. _

_"It doesn't feel that way." Lena mumbled as she pushed her mother's hand away from her face. "You're always worried about her and you don't care about what happens to me anymore."_

_"Lena, she's three and a half months old. She can't do anything on her own. She needs me." _

_"I need you too." Lena countered desperately. _

_"I understand that and I will always be here for you." Addison promised, reaching out to grip her daughter's hand. "I haven't forgotten about you. I will never forget about you and no one will ever be able to replace you. You're probably the only other person on this planet who enjoys shoes as much as I do. I was so young when I had you, we literally grew up together. We learned from each other. No one will be able to fill your position." _

_"You swear?" _

_"I swear on every pair of Louboutins I own." _

_Lena took a second for consideration then said, "And Jimmy Choos?"_

* * *

Addison awoke with a start, the sudden movement in the bed cause Derek to wake too. He rubbed his eyes and looked around the pitch black room until he located her at the edge of their bed. "Addie?" he asked softly. He wasn't even aware of the fact that Addison had returned home. She had left to "give him time to think" and she refused to answer Derek's calls. He waited up for her to return but gave up after three hours,

he was exhausted and needed sleep. "Addie? When did you get home? What happen?" he asked groggily.

"I was wrong to leave." she admitted. "I have no one in this city, I had no where to go. I drove around until I knew you'd be in bed then I came back. I'm sorry for walking away from you. I know things must be crazy between taking care Emma and work. You are probably exhausted all the time and here I am babbling and keeping you from going back to sleep."

"I am sorry for everything I said earlier tonight." he said softly, moving over to her side of the bed to be closer to her. "I know this isn't easy for you and I know you are doing your best and I need you to know that I love you no matter what."

Addison nodded her head and turned to look in his eyes. "I love you, too." she whispered. "Thank you for being so understanding about all of this. I'm sure it's not easy being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally withdrawn."

"Addie, if we want this to work then we need to stop walking out on one another. Walking away doesn't fix the problem, it makes things worse. I learned that the hard away. I don't want us to make the same mistake twice." he told her softly. "We are in this for the long haul. We love one another so much that after a divorce and 13 years of separation we still ended up together. We can't throw it away."

Addison nodded her agreement. "No more walking out." she affirmed for emphasis.

"Now will you tell me why you woke up gasping like that?"

"It was just a bad dream." Addison replied dismissively.

"You mean a nightmare?" Derek asked softly.

Addison shook her head. "It wasn't a nightmare. It wasn't scary. It wasn't even sad, just made me unnecessary emotional. I'm sorry for waking you up."

Derek wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against his chest, placing a kiss on the back of her neck. "Was it about Lena?" he gently questioned while rubbing soothing circles with his thumb on her lower back.

"How could you possibly know that?" Addison whispered back hoarsely.

"Because that is the only thing that gets you this emotional." Derek smiled pridefully at the thought of being able to know exactly what was wrong with Addison even if she didn't. "Do you want to tell me about it? It might help you to talk about it."

Addison took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "You and I were still married, Lena was still alive and Emma was three and a half months old. I wasn't depressed and neglectful...it was like a glimpse of the perfect version of my life."

"And?" Derek gently prodded her to continue, his curiosity sparked at the thought of having a chance to be a family with the daughter he wished he could have known and the baby girl who gave his life a new meaning.

"And Lena felt like Emma was replacing her. She felt like I cared about Emma more than I cared about her." she continued. "It felt real, Derek. First borns often feel threatened by a younger sibling. That is the type of problem we should have to be dealing with after having a baby, not postpartum depression."

She felt Derek's lips affectionately brush a kiss onto the back of her neck. She felt his arms try to pull her closer but she was as close as she could be so instead he held her tighter. "Go back to sleep." He murmured into her shoulder.

"Don't let go." she pleaded.

"I'm not going to let go." he promised.

"And don't leave me." she added. "I can't do this alone."

"I'm not letting go right now…or ever. I am not going to make the same mistake I made the first time, I will not leave you."

* * *

Sorry for the long wait while I was on vacation. And I'm sorry this wasn't too long. I would have added stuff here and there but it would have butchered the quality. There is either one or two more chapters coming up.

Let me know what you think about this one :)


	14. Chapter 14

Bizzy had been the first person informed as soon as Addison found out she was pregnant but she still had not seen her granddaughter. Every time she called to make travel arrangements Addison would make excuses. She and the Captain were determined to see the baby; that was exactly the reason she had chosen to keep their visit a secret from Addison. She just showed up at the house one night and knocked on the door until someone opened it.

"Bizzy." Derek said in shock as he held the door open for he r and the Captain to walk in. He had 9 month old Emma in his arms and she curiously staring on at her grandmother with her head tipped to the side. "We weren't expecting you."

"Well we've been wanting to come for a while now but there never seems to be a right time for you and Addison and we just couldn't wait anymore." The Captain explained as he looked around the house to see if it met his approval.

"Is this Emma?" Bizzy asked as she reached out to take the child from Derek's arms. "Did you see her, Captain?" she asked as she took a step closer to him with the child in her arms.

"She looks so much like Lena." The Captain whispered in disbelief as he stared at the child. "If I didn't know any better I would say it's her clone."

Bizzy glared at him, warning him that they were already on pins and needles and that there should be minimal mention of Lena. "She is beautiful. And she's so big. I feel like we've missed out on so much of her life. We should have come to see her sooner, we shouldn't have listened to Addison."

"Speaking of Addison, where is she?" the Captain asked, noting his daughter's absence.

"She in our room. I think she wanted to go to bed early to read up on a case that's being brought in tomorrow." He answered, though it was all made up. He remembered that usually always stayed up late if she could and he knew her parents would catch on if they find out her old habits had changed.

"Would she mind if I went to see her?" Bizzy replied.

That was a question Derek didn't anticipate. He couldn't tell the woman not go and check-up on her daughter. "No, go ahead." He said quietly after a few seconds.

"She doesn't uh…she doesn't sleep naked, does she?" Bizzy asked as she moved toward the stairs. "I may have not seen anything the night Emma was conceived but I heard it all and I would much rather not get the visual to match it."

Derek blushed and shook his head. "I doubt she's naked." He assured, considering the fact that he hadn't even seen naked in months.

Bizzy continued up the stairs with her granddaughter still in her arms. She had no idea which room to find Addison in but followed the direct of the light. Bizzy gave a soft knock on the door before stepped in to see Addison sitting with her back against the headboard with her laptop propped up against her thighs.

She looked away from the screen expecting to see Derek but her eyes widened when she saw her mother instead, "What are you doing here, Bizzy?" she asked as she folded down the screen and set her computer aside.

"I came to meet Emma and to see you. It's been a while." She answered. "She's beautiful, Addison. Congratulations."

"Thank you." Addison remarked quietly, wondering if her mother knew about her postpartum depression.

Bizzy moved forward to take a seat on the bed while Emma played with the pearls that hung from her neck. Just as she was about to sit she stopped and said, "There sheets are clean, right? They haven't seen any recent action. I don't wanna be sitting in mysterious liquids."

"Yes, Bizzy, they are clean. Derek and I are not animals. You heard us one time and you make it sound like it's the only thing we know how to do."

"I don't make it sound like that, you made it sound like that. I'm just pointing out the obvious." Bizzy teased.

"Besides, I don't even remember the last time we had sex so you've got nothing to worry about."

Bizzy curiously looked at her daughter, now quite intrigued about the matter. "Why is something wrong? Does he not do it for you anymore? Because there was period that your father and I…."

"Please do not finish that sentence." Addison stopped her from going any further. "I do not want to hear about your sex life with my father. And I do not want to discuss what turns me and what doesn't. Derek and I are fine, it's just hard to find time for that between working 60 hours a week and taking care of Emma."

At the sound of her name, Emma turned and smiled at her mother. "Ha!" it was the closest she could get to saying 'hi' and Derek knew that's what she meant but Addison had no idea what the random babbles meant.

"Derek said you wanted to go to bed early to read up on a case you've got coming in tomorrow. I don't want to bother you. Your Dad and I can go check into a hotel and we'll do dinner tomorrow night to catch up." Bizzy offered as she stood.

"That would be perfect." Addison smiled, putting on a façade to get herself through. "We will call you around noon tomorrow to let you know when we get off work."

"It's cute how you two are talking with 'we' and 'us' all of a sudden." Bizzy mentioned with an amused look. "Oh, should I leave Emma up here with you so you can put her to bed?"

Addison's heart immediately started to race as she shook her head. "No, it's Derek's turn." She lied. "Besides, I still have a lot of material to get through for this case."

Bizzy nodded understandingly. "Okay, goodnight." She said before walking out and shutting the bedroom door behind her. She quietly went back downstairs where the Captain took Emma from her arms to do some bonding himself.

"How was Addison?" he asked his wife in the meanwhile.

Bizzy shrugged her shoulders and glanced at Derek. "She seems a little off to me. She was so cold toward Emma, she was never like that when it came to Lena. Is she alright? She's not abusive or anything, is she?"

"No! No, she's not abusive." Derek assured defensively. "She's just been going through a rough time since Emma's birth. She's afraid Emma may be like a replacement for Lena and doesn't want that to happen. The loss is still a fresh wound and it's hard to let that heal with a new baby in the house."

"So she's got postpartum depression?" the Captain rephrased. "I was afraid of that. I just assumed everything was fine since you guys never mentioned it. I would assume that you would call to let us know if our daughter was battling something like this."

"Look, if it was up to me you guys would have been there through every step of this. I mean, we all know she's more likely to listen to you then to me. But she wanted to do this on her own and I have to respect that." Derek explained. "And she really is doing better. It's slow but its progress."

* * *

Addison quietly tiptoed into the nursery early in the morning while Derek was still in the shower. Emma was sitting up in her crib, the sound of her gurgling warning Addison ahead of time that she was awake. She moved closed to the crib and noticed a toy in her hand.

"You are very quiet in the mornings. I thought you were still asleep." Addison cooed to the baby. "Your daddy says you've made new advancements toward busting out of your crib. Knowing that is going to bother me. How am I supposed to focus at work while wondering what would happen if you wake up from your nap and decide to go on an adventure. Your nanny is kinda old, I doubt she'd be able to prevent any escape artist moves."

Emma brought the toy cell phone into her mouth and bit on it to soothe her aching gums. Her eyes remained steady on her mother while she soaked in the attention. "Eeep!" she squealed, tilting her head to the side with a smile. She held out the saliva covered toy to her mother. "Pa goo fo." She added, combining random vowels and consonants.

"Are you trying to tell me something? You dad probably knows exactly what all of that means." Addison mumbled with disappointment toward herself as she took the toy from her daughter. She found a similar dry toy and passed it back to the child. "I'm sorry, I've been such a shitty mom."

Emma grabbed the railing of her crib and pulled herself up. She shoved the plastic into her mouth and pressed down on it. Addison moved closed and pulled Emma's hand and the toy away from her mouth. She glaced inside then looked at her daughter sympathetically. "Looks like your lateral incisors are coming in, honey. No wonder you've been so cranky lately."

Emma pulled her hand out of her mother's grip and gave her an angry glare before attempting to put her fist back into her mouth.

"Anyway, Emma, I know you can't really engage in a conversation with me yet, but you probably understand a lot more than people give you credit for. I just want you to know that I'm trying very hard to get better. I want to be around for you when you need me. At least I can be in the same room alone with you for a few minutes now, before I could barely manage to be around you. I just need you to know that that was not your fault. I love you, Em, I just don't really know how to show you at this point."

"Addison?" Derek called from where he stood in the doorway wrapped in a white towel from the waist down. "Honey, stop torturing yourself like this. She knows you love her."

"How would she know if I've never told her?" Addison retorted. "I can't bring myself to hold her yet, but at least I managed to tell her that I love her."

"I I oo." Emma grinned back after pulling her fist away from her mouth.

"That's how she says I love you." Derek informed Addison. "She hasn't said any words or anything real yet but every time someone says they love her she says 'I I oo' so I assume that's what she means. And she only says it when she means it. One time she was chewing on Mark's car keys and he took them away from her then on his way out her told her he loved her and she refused to say it back. She smacked his face instead."

"Her lateral incisors are coming in, that's why she's chewing on everything."

"Her whats are coming in?"

"Incisors are the teeth in the front, Derek. Lateral incisors are not the center ones, obviously because I think she's got those but they're the ones to either side of center." Addison explained. "Where you paying attention at all during medical school to anything not related to neuro?"

Derek shook his head honestly. "Dentistry is for people who were not smart enough to go to medical school. Dentists are not real doctors. If someone on a plane had a heart attack, the stewardess would not make an announcement for a doctor and settle for a dentist. Our knowledge as surgeons surpasses any dentist."

"Fa oo!" Emma yelled as she glared at her father.

"And that's how she says 'fuck you.'" Addison smirked and then looked at her daughter with a smile.

"She's a baby, Addison. Nothing she says means anything." He replied like a sore loser as he went back toward the door to go to his own room and get dressed for work.

"Your just bitter because our baby just told you and your ego off."

* * *

One more chapter left to go, people. That makes me very sad. I need to think about another story plot ASAP because it's summer and I've got nothing to do but sit on my ass for the next two months. Let me know if you have any ideas to kickstart my brain.  
Review- Very curious to know what everyone thinks so far!


	15. Chapter 15

*2 months later*

"When does your shift end?" Derek asked into the phone as soon as Addison answered. "I mean, I know it ended an hour ago but you were clearly just stepping out of the OR so when will you be home?"

She exhaled a breath and pulled her scrub cap off of head her head. "I don't know, Derek. I have to go talk to this woman's husband and tell him that her ovarian cancer had already spread to her liver and that there is nothing I can do to help her at this point. I have an ambulance bringing in a one year old MVA victim. I'm pretty swamped up right now. I'll call you when I'm done with the baby."

Derek rolled his eyes. "Right…" he answered before handing up.

Three hours later Derek jumped up from where he fell asleep on the couch when he heard the front door slam shut. He pulled himself up, rubbed his eyes and moved toward the foyer to see what was going on. "You were supposed to call me after you finished with my MVA kid." He reminded her, taking notice of the fact that she was still in her dark blue scrubs. She usually always changed back into her designer wear. What he didn't know was that she was in such a rush to get home that she didn't even bother considering to change.

"I didn't want to waste time. I just… I got out of surgery, got in my car and came home." She answered. "Where is Emma?"

"She is asleep. It's 2 in the morning." He stated very matter-of-factly.

"I need her." Addison mumbled and moved toward stairs. He raised his brow skeptically and followed her upstairs toward the nursery she had only been in a hand full of times. She moved toward the crib and peered in to see the child peacefully sleeping. "Will she scream all night if I wake her up or does she go back to sleep easily?"

"She goes back to sleep pretty easily." He answered, his brow still inclined as he wondered what she was doing. Their daughter was almost a year old and though Addison's postpartum depression had eased up, she was still wary about being alone with the baby. She never held Emma for too long, she couldn't stay alone with Emma for more than an hour which gave Derek just enough time for a shower once in a while. When it was three of them, she was much less paranoid. She didn't feel suffocated by her daughter's presence as long as she was in her father's arms.

Addison carefully lifted 11 month old Emma from her crib. Emma opened her eyes, about to cry as soon as she was lifted off the bed. Just as she was about to scream she felt herself being cuddled against her mother's chest and automatically forgot the urge to cry. She put her head down on her mother's shoulder and yawned. Addison felt tears welling up in her eyes as she felt her daughter's hot breath against her neck.

"What is going on with you, Addison?" Derek asked, surprised by the fact that she was being warm and affectionate toward Emma. Though she was significantly less cold than she had been at the beginning, she had never warm to the extent of cuddling.

"The MVA patient was exactly a month older then Emma. She had the same name, the same hair color and she was wearing a sweater I think I've seen on our daughter because it looked very familiar. And she died the first thirty minutes of surgery. There was too much bleeding from the accident, not much could be done. She died on the table…and I think it broke me. It was so similar to what happen to Lena but that kid reminded me so much Emma that I realized I'm missing out. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, and I can't lose another child. But sometimes that beyond any mother's control and I realize the only thing I can do is love her and give her everything she needs to be happy and safe."

"Exactly." Derek answered, leaning in to place a quick kiss on Addison's lips. "Are you coming to bed? She already fell asleep on your shoulder, you should just put her back in her crib so she can be comfortable and come rest. You can catch-up on all the cuddling tomorrow."

Addison nodded and shifted the baby in her arms to put her down in the bed. She covered her daughter with the white blanket in the crib and just as she was going to pull her hand away she felt her daughter grab onto her finger. She remembered Derek telling her that Emma would hold on to someone's finger as a way of letting them know not to leave her. She was sure that Emma was in a deep sleep so she tried to slip her hand away and noticed her daughter's eyes open.

Addison was two steps away from the crib, Derek by the door when they heard their daughter shakey voice call out, "Mama…" It was her very first word.

Addison turned back to see her daughter had grabbed onto the railing of the crib to pull herself up. "Did I hear her correctly?" she asked Derek as she moved back toward the crib where she lifted her daughter back into her arms. She turned back to the door to see Derek's mouth wide open. "Why is your jaw on the floor?"

"That was her first word. I mean, she's been babbling and everything she's said sounded vaguely familiar to actual words so I would just assume. But that was her first actual word." He mumbled, allowing a smile to grow on his face. He moved toward them and placed a kiss on his daughter's head. "I bet once you've got a few more words down we won't be able to get you to shut up."

"That can't be her first word. I haven't been around enough for that to be her first word." Addison countered. "You probably taught her that to make me feel good."

Derek shook his head. "Trust me, I did not plan this. I've been trying to get her to say 'dada' for weeks."

Emma felt her mother's arms tighten around her and she looked up at her parents and grinned. She liked that saying one word could get her so much attention.

"You think you can give us a few minutes alone?" Addison asked, for the first time willingly wanting to stay alone with the baby.

Derek nodded, gave his daughter one more proud kiss and walked away. Addison took a seat on the rocking chair in the room and cradled the baby in her arms, holding her close to her chest knowing the sound of a heartbeat usually provided comfort to babies. She felt her daughter grab onto her finger and this time she didn't pull her hand away.

"Mama." Emma whispered again, nuzzling her head further into Addison's chest while tightly gripping her finger. "I I oo."

Addison looked down into her daughter's eyes while they fought to stay open. She smiled, "I love you too, sweetheart." She replied while leaning in to place a kiss on the crown of the little girl's head.

* * *

*4 years later*

Addison and Derek stood side by side in front of scrub room sinks both trying their caps and masks. They were both about to scrub in for an in-utero spinal surgery that would get them more attention in their fields (if possible) and it would significantly improve the hospital's ratings. But for Addison it was like déjà vu.

"Maybe I should just back out and let Jenson take over for me." Addison through aloud while twisting her engagement and wedding rings off of her finger. She slid the rings onto a safety pin and attached it to the breast pocket of her scrubs then looked over to see him dropping his own ring into his breast pocket.

"Why would you blow off an opportunity like this? Do you know how much publicity the hospital has on this case?" he replied.

"Because the last time I chose a highly publicized case over my daughter it was the biggest mistake of my life." She answered with a hint of guilt in her voice. "I should not be scrubbing in right now, I should be on my way to my car to go pick our daughter up from kindergarten."

"Addie, Mark is already there. He text me. He was the first person standing next to the gate. He even beat those moms that are always wearing jogging shoes and capris who are like 30 minutes early. He plans on carrying her to his car so she can't trip over anything, then he will wrap her in bubble wrap then strap her into her car seat and he's gonna take her to Chuck E. Cheese for an hour or two to keep her busy while we're in surgery. After that he'll take her to our house, help with homework, give her a bath and put her to bed. Okay?"

"Derek, the last time I trusted someone else to pick up my child from school…" Addison's voice trailed off.

"That was not Mark." Derek insisted softly. "Mark canceled a date tonight to take care of Emma. He _canceled _a date. Mark gave up a fuckertunity, that's how much he loves Emma."

"A fuckertunity?"

"Yes. A fuckertunity. An opportunity to do some fucking. Mark and I came up with it. Don't be jealous that you're not as creative and brilliant as us."

Addison rolled her eyes and turned on the sink. "Jealous, right…" she scoffed. "You think I'm just being paranoid?"

"Yes!" Derek exclaimed then took a pause to reconsider. "You are being a little paranoid but not without reason. You are worried about Emma and that's normal because you're her mother and you're biologically programmed to worry about her all the time. But this time is different. Mark is a manwhore, yes but he would never put Emma in harm's way."

"How can you be so sure?" Addison questioned.

"Because he cries every time Emma cries. When Emma got chicken pox before we had a chance to vaccinate, Mark got chicken pox too just so they could spend more time together. He scratched her back, she scratched his. Mark would take a bullet for Emma then he'd get up and kill whoever tried to hurt Emma."

"You're right." Addison replied with a nod. "Remember when we went to the movies last week and Emma stayed over at Mark's and I went to pick her up the next morning?" Derek nodded. "He fell asleep on the couch with a tiara on his head, red nail polish on his toes, pink on his finger and he had a strangely sparkly eye shadow on."

"Are you telling me my best friend is secretly a cross dresser?" Derek asked as he turned off the water and prepared to move toward the OR.

Addison laughed and shook her head. "He said that Em wanted to play dress up so they went out to get make-up from a drug store and he let her do his nails and make-up and then they had a tea party with coke and before she fell asleep she told him not to get rid of any of it so they could continue in the morning…and he actually listened to her."

"See, he would do anything for our kid, Addison. He will do everything to make sure she doesn't get hurt. Okay?"

"Okay." She agreed, before stepping into the OR with one last personally influenced glanced in her husband direction. After they both stepped into the OR they would assume professional roles. They weren't Mr. and Mrs. Shepherd anymore but rather two high profiled surgeons, Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd.

* * *

Meanwhile Mark held is arm out wide open when he saw Emma running toward him. He wrapped his arm tightly around her and lifted her up. "Emma-bear!" he exclaimed enthusiastically. "I missed you! I haven't seen you since…this morning."

Emma giggled and tried to wiggle out of his arms to get back down on the ground but she failed because he only held her tighter. "Where is Mommy? She always picksed me up."

"She and your daddy had a very important surgery and no matter how they scheduled it they would not be able to come pick you up so I offered to get you. You don't mind do you? I mean if you don't wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese then I could just take you to the hospital. You can just hang out in your dad's office and look through his brain books." He teased while playing poking Emma.

"No!" Emma exclaimed. "Chuck E. Cheese sounds like a good plan."

Mark grinned as he carried the child over to the car. "Yeah, that's what I thought." He strapped her into her car seat and placed a kiss on her forehead, "Em, I'm warning you now- I know your mom has a lot of make-up and nail polish and shoes and skirts and all that crap but none of it goes on me tonight, got it? I've got a date tomorrow night and it look me a three days to get that nail polish off."

Emma looked Mark in the eyes and considered it. "I'll help you take it all off before bed time, I pwomise. Mommy has make-up remover _and _nail polish remover." She negotiated. "And we don't have to take a piktur this time."

Mark sighed, how could he say no to a face like that? "Fine." He hesitantly agreed.

Seven hours later Derek and Addison walked into the house ready to collapse from exhaustion. Addison made her way through the foyer toward the living room and saw Mark asleep on the couch with his arm hanging over the edge. Derek, who was right behind her, rolled his eyes and grabbed a decorative pillow off the arm chair. He threw it at Mark's face causing it to jump up.

"Emma?" Mark started on instinct, but once he rubbed his eyes he realized it was Derek and Addison standing in the room, not Emma. He remembered that he had put Emma to bed before he fell asleep.

"Is that my new Chanel lipstick?" Addison asked with a smirk starting to form.

"Seriously, Mark, are you wearing make-up?" Derek asked with an amused look on his face. "Thought I have to say, the color of the lipstick does go well with the color of your eyes." he added sarcastically.

Mark's brows furrowed together. He grabbed his cell phone and look at his blurted reflection on the screen. He gasped when he registered his reddish lips and blushed cheeks. He noted the dark eye shadow on one eye lid while the other was dusted with a pinkish color. "It was Emma."

"You're blaming our five year old?" Derek asked with a raised brow. "You're a tranny and you are blaming my five year old daughter?"

Addison whacked arm but could not keep a straight face. She started chuckling but the longer she looked at Mark the funnier the situation seemed. "I have make-up remover up in the master bathroom if you wanna clean up." She offered. "Not that you have to, completely up to you." She added sarcastically. "Where is Emma?"

"She's in her room. I put her bed. She was exhausted after our tea party."

"Tea party?" Derek asked, unable to hold back a hysterical laugh. "You are such a chick. You can call Addison's secretary tomorrow morning and schedule a pap smear."

Addison hit his arms again, this time hard enough to know it would hurt him. "Stop making fun of him. I don't see you putting on lipstick to have a tea party with our daughter. You take her to Chuck E. Cheese and use all the coins because you say she sucks at games."

"She does suck! I am a Skee Ball god! I get like 25 tickets per game. She gets 2!" Derek exclaimed defensively.

Mark rolled his eyes as he got up from the couch. "I'm gonna go use that stuff to take this crap off my face." He told them as he moved toward the stair case. "And I'll check on Em on the way back."

Derek nodded, the smirk still on his face from the vision of Mark with make-up. He took a seat on the couch and pull on Addison's arm so she could sit down next to him. Instead she flung her legs over his lap and rested her head against the arm rest of the couch. "I'm sleeping here. I don't wanna move. Our room is too far away, I'm too tired to walk that much."

Derek pulled off her 900 dollar heels and carefully placed them beside the couch. Usually he would have just dropped them but he knew she would yell at him about damaging her Louboutins and he didn't feel like listening to her yell. "You want a foot massage?" he asked, but started rubbing before she could answer.

"That's why I married you." She mumbled with a content sigh while trying to find a position comfortable enough to sleep in.

"Because I give you foot massages when you indirectly ask for it?" he asked with a quirked brow. "And here I was thinking it's because you love me and because we can overcome anything together, because we make one another happy. But it was just the foot massages?" he faked a hurt expression and earned a kick in the arm she's been whacking earlier. "I'm gonna have bruises all over this arm because of you."

"Good." She replied shortly, her eyes closed as she desperately tried to shut her mind to go to sleep.

They settled into a comfortable silence while Derek continued rubbing her feet but it didn't last for long. Derek couldn't help watch her from the corner of his eye. She'd changed since he first met her in college, he changed too but he felt relieved to know that they changed together toward the better and rather than growing apart they became closer. "Ad?"

Addison groaned and opened her eyes. "What?" she asked in an annoyed tone, only because she was just about to drift off into sleep.

"Are you happy?"

She pushed herself up onto her elbows and looked him in the eyes. "Right now or in general? Because right now I'm kinda pissed off that you won't let me sleep."

"In general." Derek clarified. "Are you happy about the way our lives turned out so far? Do have regrets? If you could do it over again would you change anything in the past?"

"Of course I have regrets, Derek. I neglected my child for the first 11 months of her life. I trusted a man with my daughter and he killed her and left me so broken that I never thought I could heal. I wish Lena could still be here, I wish I hadn't taken so long to understand that Emma was the only one that could make me understand that losing Lena was not my fault. I would do thing differently if I had a do over, I wouldn't let you walk out of my life so easily the first time, I wouldn't trust some ass-hole with my child, I wouldn't have hurt Emma like I did."

"But?" Derek prompted. "There is a 'but,' right? That's not the end of your little speech?"

Addison shook her head, assuring him that she had more to say. "No matter what changes I would want to make in my life, I would still want to you to be the person I share it with. I love you, I love Emma and I love the life we've built together. No matter what I could change in the past, what will happen in the future, nothing will change that."

* * *

The End!  
Thanks for reading and reviewing up until now. Hope you enjoyed the story! Let me know your final thoughts.


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